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April 13,
2009 Jeffery Dean Morgan (The Comedian) – not funny ha-ha; funny Yikes! Billy Crudup (Dr. Manhattan) – every gay man’s fantasy of the Blue Man Group. Malin Akerman (Silk Spectre II) – because Silk Spectre one was not enough. Jackie Earle Haley (Rorschach) – because anger issues can be super powers, too. Patrick Wilson (Nite Owl II) – because guys in bird suits get all the chicks. Matthew Goode (Ozymandias) – Queer Eye for the smart guy. Matt Frewer (Moloch) – what happened when Max Headroom went bad. The Butt-Nekkid Blue Guy can do anything he wants to, go anywhere he wants to and can be as big as he wants to (wink-wink), yet he cannot make his girlfriend happy. Uh … hellooooo …? This is what Watchmen seems to be all about – to those who have not read the 12-part series published in 1986-1987. You see, that’s the problem with this film; fans of the comic will be disappointed by what was left out and moviegoers who do not know the comic will see Watchmen as a self-indulgent, pretentious, over-hyped, pseudo-intellectual mishmash. Not to mention this flick is way too long. If I had to endure one more lingering close-up of Dr. Manhattan attempting to look meaningful and contemplative, I would have ripped off all my clothes, spray painted myself blue and run screaming from the theatre – and the last time I did that Carmike Cinemas called the Sheriff. Watchmen bills itself as an “alternate history” story (kind of like the Yankee version of the War Between The States). Countless film companies over the last two decades flirted with the idea of turning Watchmen into a film, but they all backed out. Perhaps this compendium of trendy confusion is simply unfilmable. Even so, the political correctness did seep its way into this perplexing picture. The PC is built right in to the very Watchmen world itself. The whole idea is that the world would be a totally messed up place if America had won the Vietnam War, Nixon had remained President (for five terms no less), homosexuality had been kept in the closet and “right wing morality” had prevailed. Liberals seem to think that any societal rules against depravity is depravity. A conservative world is an evil world. Conservatives are bad people who kill people for sport, rape, pillage and plunder, and abuse luckless minorities. We need pretty socialists like Obama to take keep us safe from sinister right-wingers. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so. In the midst of a scene of inner-city chaos, The Comedian (who has no sense of humor at all) pulls out a souped-up M16 and commences to blast holes in fleeing civilians. He answers Nite Owl’s question by saying, “What happened to the American dream? It came true; you’re LOOKIN’ at it.” Then he returns to shooting unarmed people in the street, all the while cackling and chomping on a cigar. This is how the left views what could have happened if we had not all been enlightened by socialist ideology. What Hollyweird is ignoring is the obvious leaps toward totalitarianism we are now taking under like the likes of Pelosi, Obama and Bawney Fwank. Where’s the Hollyweird flick about that? Don’t count on it. Earlier one of the not-so-super heroes says, “If we had lost the Vietnam War, it would have driven us crazy as a nation.” Look, we didn’t lose in Vietnam, you bubbleheaded Hollyweirdo’s, the liberal Congress at the time refused to let our boys win. Vietnam veterans are crazed baby-killers, Gulf War veterans are drug-addicted losers and Iraq War vets are misguided and weak-minded. That is until The Obamessiah was elected. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so. Additionally, only the American soldiers are bad guys following bad leaders. Only Americans should never have the right to use force to protect their people and their interests. Bad American Military Establishment! Bad bad bad! But back to Butt-Nekkid Blue Guy. I’m guessing he’ll soon be headlining a variety show with Hugh Jackman on Broadway. They can call the show “Jackman and Johnson (insert rimshot here).” Dr. Manhattan has nearly all the powers of God and he uses them to run away from his girlfriend – to MARS. There on Mars, he uses his incredible powers to create esoteric floating glass sculpture and the look on his face seems to say, “One day Bette Midler and I will call this home.” One other Watchman worth mentioning is “Rorschach,” who slinks around wearing Mike Hammer’s old trench coat and pantyhose with a movable skid mark over his face. This guy steals the show. He’s just a li’l skinny guy, but don’t make him mad, because he’s all kinds of brain-damaged. In fact all of these not-so-super heroes are kind of wacky. They have the same level of super powers that trick-or-treaters have on Halloween. They make Christian Bale look positively chipper. Except for Butt-Nekkid-Blue-Guy, who long ago stopped caring about anything and just sort of melded into his own foggy void of melancholy mush. And this is where you may be after 2 hours and 45 minutes. Watchmen has four of the five Bachelor B’s. Blood, Breasts, bashes and Bombs. No Beasts, unless you count Dr. Manhattan’s … well, you know. The moral of the story: Homoerotic Heroes can be creepy, too. I give Watchmen two Capitalist Dollar Signs (out of 5). $$
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