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April
06, 2009 Cast: Liam Neeson (Brian) – badass version of MacGyver. Maggie Grace (Kim) – dumbass version of Miley Cyrus. Framke Janssen (Lenore) – snotty, pouty ex-wife (ain’t they all?) Xander Berkeley (Stuart) – useless rich white guy. When I first heard there was a film called Taken, I thought it was about the Obama Stimu-Pork bill; as in, “Aw crap! We’ve all been TAKEN!” But unlike the Pelosi Pork Pack, this story is easy to follow and all it will cost you is 8 bucks and 90 minutes. In the first 10 minutes of Taken, the story is set. Two ditsy, trampy teens are kidnapped in France by greasy brutes. Okay I get it – saw it coming a mile away. From that point on, Neeson opens up a can of whoop on virtually anyone who stands in front of him. This is what the movie trailer shows, and Taken doesn’t veer from that one bit. Whatcha see is whatcha get. No tricks, no plot twists, no gimmicks. Just straight-ahead ticked-off butt-kickin’. In fact, most of the other characters in this flick exist merely to get whacked by Neeson or to watch Neeson whack somebody else. Taken is whack-mania. More whackin’ then the KKK vs. black transvestites on the Jerry Springer Show. This movie could easily be re-titled “James Bond Meets Rambo On Meth.” Even though it has a lot less political correctness in it than most Hollyweird films in the last three years, the very premise of Taken is PC. Although it is a fact that young women, particularly white Caucasians, are kidnapped for sex slavery around the world and Albanians truly are involved in this big time, France is not the prime location for this dirty deed. Of the top 10 places listed as “Most Likely to Be Kidnapped In,” only one – Chechnya – is anywhere near Europe. They are, in order: Haiti, Iraq, Afghanistan, Chechnya, Nigeria, Philippines, Venezuela, Columbia, Brazil and Mexico. Bet you won’t see a Hollyweird movie about that. Sex slave kidnappings are only done by evil Whiteys, who profit off the backs of the hapless so-called minorities of the world. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so. In fact, in Mexico there is an actual accepted term for rape abductions. They call it “rapto” and it means much more than kidnapping. Some provinces even accept this, claim it as a legitimate way some couples meet, get married and many people claim to be the children of rapto. I never even heard of such a thing until Jack Hunter from WTMA told me about it. Rapto – go look it up for yourself. Totalmente espantoso, hombre. I guess in France it would be Le Rap-twaa. In reality, the French word for kidnap is “enleve;” (to remove). More PC sleazes out when we meet the mastermind of the kidnapping outfit. Guess what – it’s a white American businessman. An American man in France running an Albanian kidnapping outfit to get slave girls for Middle Easterners? Of course! And just before Neeson whacks him, he says, “It’s not personal, it’s just business.” Bad American Capitalists! Bad bad bad! Imagine the caterwauling from the left if the kidnap-mastermind was played by a Black American. Better yet, a Black African. Imagine the screeching from the libs if he was a gay character. Nope. Only American Capitalists can be creepy – and the whiter they are, the more corrupt they are. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so. Need more cinematic proof? Okay. Who recently played God? Morgan Freeman. Who recently played Satan? Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro and Jack Nicholson. George Burns famously did both, but that was before overt political correctness became the Hollyweird industry standard. To be fair, Taken has a lot less PC in it than most films as of late. I think it is because Hollyweird became happier as George Bush’s tenure as President came to an end. Heck, they’re downright giddy these days, because their American Idol President got elected (largely due to Americans who are idle). Taken has 3 of the 5 Bachelor B’s: Blood (but surprisingly not much), Bashes (whole lotta whackin’ goin’ on) and Bombs. No Beasts, unless you count the Albanians. And no Breasts. This is odd, since this film has a legitimate reason for nudity – it’s about the sex-slave trade. But the filmmakers went for the PG-13 rating. In fact this may be the first PG-13 film for adults I’ve seen in a long time. So go see Liam Neeson do some major league whack-tion. This dude does not need a stimulus package; he’s got non-stop stimulus whackage. I give Taken four Capitalist Dollar Signs (out of 5). $$$$
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