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02/11/12
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November
03, 2008 Kevin Farley (Michael Malone) – just like Michael Moore, but sans 200 lbs. Kelsey Grammer (General Patton) – just like Patton, but sans 70 years. Jon Voight (George Washington) – just like GW, but sans 206 years. Chriss Anglin (John Kennedy) – just like JFK, but sans the bimbos. Trace Adkins (Grim Reaper) – just like the reaper, but with cowboy boots and no hoodie. Leslie Nielsen (himself) – just like Leslie Nielsen, but older. Vicki Browne (Rosie) – just like Rosie O’Donut, but – oh … sorry about that Vicki. What do leftists hate the most? Free speech. This is the very reason An American Carol has been panned by every pencil-necked, spiral-eyed, limp-wristed feelm crti-teek in the mainstream, pop-culture media. AAC skewers not only the core beliefs of liberals, but liberal icons themselves, thus the harsh criticism from the left. You see; the socialist lib’s can dish it out, but they can’t take it. One needs only to engage in conversation with one of Saint Barack Obama’s Blind Sheeple to get firsthand experience of the intolerance of the left. Want to have some fun with lefties? Next time you see a pasty-faced nerd wearing an “O” button, ask him if that’s for Oprah or Obama. Then tell him, “I saw An American Carol; it was hilarious!” Then stand back as their face turns purple, veins pop out of their necks and they wave their arms about wildly, sputtering unintelligibly and then they finally burst out with, “Rrrrraaaacismm!!” Like I said, they can dish it out, but they can’t take it. Here’s the plot of AAC in a satirical nutshell: Piggish, leftist filmmaker wants to ban the Fourth Of July. Lampooning liberals with slapstick (right upside they haids) ensues. The most amazing thing about AAC is that the film got made at all. This may be the most politically INcorrect film I’ve ever reviewed. In fact, there is very little PC in the movie at all; quite the opposite, in fact. And that’s the very point of AAC; the filmmakers and ahk-tors are saying, “Look, WE can do this, too.” Not everyone in Hollyweird is a leftist loony, just 95% of them are. I even saw two obvious liberals get up and storm out of the theatre with a notable “Harrumph!” One of them actually looked a bit like Michael Moore; and his date looked like Rosie O’Donut. Ya think it was them? Left-wing ideology is not funny. It’s not humorous to mock all-knowing, all-caring, we-know-better-how-to-live-your-life-than-you-do liberals. Only right-wingers should be made fun of. I know this, because (95% of) Hollyweird tells me so. AAC shish kabob’s blacks, Arabs, white liberals, fatso’s, Hispanics, queers, media geeks and Hollyweird itself. I’m sure I left out a few groups, but that’s probably due to institutionalized rrrraaaaacissmm!! One thing that is PC in the film is the never-ending revisionist view of the War Between the States. Those who only know publik skool history may refer to this as the American Civil War. Using Dickens’ A Christmas Carol as a basic format for farce, AAC takes its main character, a Michael Moore lookalike, through the whole visited by three spirits routine. “I love America, that’s why it needs to be destroyed,” huffs Michael. This is where the history revisionism comes in. Michael is taken back in time to the South, where he is told slavery never ended, because, “Lincoln didn’t believe in war like you, Michael, so the Civil War was never fought and slavery still exists here.” How’s that for stupid? There are three reasons this is in the movie. 1) David Zucker doesn’t know what really happened in the War Between The States. 2) It makes for a really goofy scene with Gary Coleman in it. 3) Most film fans only know pop-culture disinformation about the War Between The States as well. Southerners are bad and they’re doltish. Northerners are smart and they’re acute. The Civil War was all about slavery. There were no slaves in the North. All the Confederates were dumb, toothless whitey’s. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so. Do I have to give y’all Yankees a history lesson again? If I did, I could fill the next 50 issues of this newspaper with stuff you were never taught in publik skool. Here’s a few to look up for yourself: the War Between The States was started over tariffs – the Morrill Tariff in particular. There were Black Confederates, Indian Confederates, Hispanic Confederates and Jewish Confederates. The only American Indian to become a General in the 1860’s was Stand Watie; a Confederate. Confederate troops were not segregated, Union troops were. Abraham Lincoln had no intention of freeing any slaves and he said so directly many times. The Emancipation Proclamation freed nobody. There were slaves in the Northern and Border States. Lincoln’s wife, Mary Todd, was from a slave-owning family in Kentucky, which was exempted by Lincoln. The Union Army started the War, not the Southerners. The Southern States voted themselves out of the Union; they were forced back into the Union at the point of a gun. I could go on for another 6000 pages, but you get the point. There; you’ve officially been schooled. But you cannot say these facts out loud in publik skool or in the hallowed halls of our Guv’mint, because that would be RRRRRAAAACISMM!! Bad Southerners who teach real history! Bad bad bad! The thing that really ticks off the liberals most about AAC is that it is dead-on accurate. This is what makes comedy funny. The effete elite lefties caterwaul about how stooopid the movie is and how it’s badly written and badly acted. This is exactly the point the movie is making, so listen to me, you knucklehead liberals; It’s done badly on purpose, you socialist morons! Besides, most of the ahk-tors, including Kelsey Grammer, Kevin Farley (yes, Chris’s brother), James Woods, Leslie Nielsen, Jillian Murray, Robert Davi, David Allen Grier, Cocoa Brown, Jon Voight, Dennis Hopper and many others are probably weary of the hypocritical leftists in Hollyweird telling them what to do all the time. This may be the gutsiest thing any of them has ever done, professionally. The most difficult thing about seeing AAC may be actually finding a theatre that will play it. In many cities it didn’t play at all, or it was yanked after less than a week. Gee, I wonder why? They couldn’t even find an American company to produce and distribute AAC; they had to get a European outfit to do it. So much for liberal’s hypocritical ideals of tolerance. Once again; they can dish it out, but they can’t take it. AAC has three of the five Bachelor B’s: Blood, Bashes and Bombs. No Breasts and no Beasts, unless you count Rosie. I give An American Carol three Capitalist Dollar Signs (out of 5). $$$
Hear
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