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02/11/12
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August
04, 2008 Harrison Ford (Indy) – old relic in search of old relics. Cate Blanchett (Colonel Spalko) – hottie commie in search of Indy. Shia LaBeouf (Mutt) – ahk-tor in search of a repeating role. Karen Allen (Marion) – ahk-tress in search of a new facelift. John Hurt (Oxley) – old scarecrow in search of a brain. When I first heard that Indiana Jones was still out searching for artifacts, I figured at his age he would be resigned to looking through flea markets and garage sales. 66-year old (so they tell us) Harrison Ford returns as the teacher/adventurer, but this time he’s less the swashbuckling, whipcracker and more the cranky old professor, which makes sense, as the grouchy hey you kids get off my lawn attitude fits him well. Set in 1957, the year of the great Chevy (and Indy looks a bit like a’57 Chevy rode hard), IJCS plays into the pop culture obsessions of the era; cloak and dagger Commies and flying saucer men. Unfortunately, as we all found out later (yet Hollyweird still denies it) there really were commies here. They are still here; we’ve just renamed them: Liberals, Environmentalists, etc. Flying saucers I’m not too sure of, but I did see some aliens at the Ladsen Flea Market. IJCS is sort of a cross between National Treasure meets Wizard Of Oz. So what has this film got that’ll make you want to go see it? Well … not much; but it’s got Indiana Freakin’ Jones, that’s what it’s got. Here’s the plot of IJCS in a crystal quartz-shell; older, crotchety Indy and his older crotchetier friends (one young punk excepted) fight evil whiteys as they try to return ET’s cranium, all the while making old-guy jokes. Saturday afternoon serial campiness ensues. There is so much PC in IJCS it’s hard to know where to search first. So let’s start with the commies. There are two points to ponder here. One is that the commies in this movie look different than your average American in 1957. They’re sinister, extreme looking and very pale. This is Hollyweird’s way of justifying its commie-friendly past, which got them in trouble with Senator McCarthy. You see, these movie commies are bad guys and the 1950’s Hollyweird commies were the good guys. See the difference? No? Then you’re an evil McCarthy-ite. Secondly, one of Indy’s trusted buddies betrays him for cash and says, “Hey, I’m a capitalist, and they (the commies) pay.” The communists of the past were bad, but the American socialists of today are good guys. Socialism is a good thing when controlled by the right people – i.e., liberals. Capitalists are bad, too (except Hollyweird studio execs & stars and Kennedy’s & Clintons) and they make their money by exploiting hapless minorities and the working class. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so. Factoid: Since the Berlin wall got the smackdown and the Soviet Union shattered into pieces, FBI records and old Soviet files from Moscow show that Senator McCarthy has essentially been proven correct. Bet you won’t see a Hollyweird movie about that. IJCS also shows evil whitey commies cutting down the rainforest, and well … I don’t think I need to explain that one. “I barely recognize this country anymore. The Government has me seeing Commies in my soup,” says Indy’s colleague. Well buddy, these days the Guv’mint itself is in your soup, but the difference is they are denying that they are there and they own your soup. The Guv’mint used to be a bad thing. Chasing Commies is a bad thing. Today Big Brother Guv’mint is a good thing; and it will be better as soon as Dubya leaves office. If Saint Barack Obama does not win, the Guv’mint will again be a bad thing. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so. One of the Commies says, “Vee vill change you into us and you von’t even know it happent to you.” Didn’t Saint Barack Obama say the same thing, but with a different accent? Just axin’. In another scene, Indy’s office gets ransacked. Indy wants at the intruders. “Those weren’t vandals, those were Federal agents,” he is admonished. Bad private citizens that believe in private property! Bad bad bad! All in all IJCS tries to be a fun flick, and even though it fails in a lot of ways, it’s still sort of fun seeing Indy sneer and dodder around snapping his whip. I did notice his voice sounds a lot like Wilford Brimley these days. But if you liked the first three Indy movies, you’ll like this one. If you never saw the other three (there must be someone who hasn’t), you won’t understand why the senile guy is being chased by cartoon Commies. But you’ve got to give Ford some credit here. He didn’t die his hair or Botox his face; he just went with the cantankerous curmudgeon character, which works – sort of. If you can believe he can survive a nuclear blast by hiding in a refrigerator. To you tin foil hat wearers who are spinning circles to avoid having your brain sucked by the Mother Ship in Area 51, I have this to say; Sit down, take a load off and yes I know there really are 13 (more, actually) “Crystal Skulls” in museums around the world. But most of them are fakes and the rest of them have yet to show any mystical powers. And furthermore – hey … what’s that buzzing in my head … aaaaaggghh! IJCS has four of the 5 Bachelor B’s. Blood (but not much), Bashes, Beasts and Bombs. No Breasts – and that’s okay. Considering what the plastic surgeons did to Karen Allen’s face, I feel safe to say we’d all prefer not to see the rest of it, thenk-yew. I give Indiana Jones & The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull 3 Capitalist Dollars signs (out of 5) $$$
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