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03/18/10
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July 28,
2008 Ben Burtt (Wall-E) – if R2D2 was a trash compactor. Elissa Knight (Eve) – if Rosie the Robot was upgraded with laser cannons. Fred Willard (Shelby Forthright) – if Sam Walton owned Boeing, McDonald’s and NBC all at once. Sigorney Weaver (Ship’s Computer) – if H.A.L was a girl (Weaver is a girl, right?) Hey kids! Wanna go see a fun movie about talking robots? Yeah! Yayyyy! I wanna I wanna I wanna! How about we indoctrinate you with environmental whackazoid theories using robots as a hook and then we heap on a dismal, apocalyptic message of doom and despair? Yayy – huh? We’ll show you how you are ruining the planet and turning everything on Earth dirty and yucky! Whaaaaa! I want my Mommy! Your Mommy is a fat blob who is trashing the planet! Whaaaaaa! But you’ll see cute talking robots! Can we have popcorn and candy? If you let us stuff liberal crap into your unformed minds, you can have all the candy and snacks you want! Yaaayyyyy! Here is the plot of Wall-E in a nanobyte: robot boy meets robot girl. Machine magnetism and mayhem ensue. Just when you thought Christmas shopping could never come this early, enter Wall-E; the next made-to-order-kids-gotta-have-it computerized, walking, talking, blinking, chirping Disney audioanimatron. Before the movie was released, fully automated renditions of Wall-E and his gal-pal EVA were available for the mere price of $115. Get ‘em now, because the price will only skyrocket. Disney is a company rooted in political correctness, so it’s not surprising to see Wall-E is full of PC capriciousness. The PC arcs out like sparks from a fork-in-a-toaster as we see what Eeeeevil Corporations have done to the planet, leaving little Wall-E behind to clean up the mess. The Earth has been trashed – literally. It sort of resembles my first apartment on the South Side of Chicago. This may be the bleakest view of the future Walt Disney Inc. has ever put on celluloid. Capitalism is bad. Capitalists are bad people. Corporations (specifically American ones) are evil entities bent on destroying the planet for profit. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so. More PC clunks forth when we finally see what has happened to the people who used to live on the earth, but now have lived for generations on a space ship and have had machines do everything for them. They are porcine blobs who float around on platforms, unwitting and unquestioning subjects of the master enterprise, “Buy-N-Large.” Come to think of it, they kind of look like Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donut lumbering around a Sam’s Club Med. Of course, all the people look Western; not a turban, kofia or a bamboo hat in sight. Western civilization is a bad thing. Americans are ruining the planet, because they refuse to live pure, more Earth Friendly lives like third-world nations do. Global warming is caused by Americans. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so. Fred Willard is the only real non-CGI ahk-tor in Wall-E. He plays “Forthright,” the CEO and all around big muck-a-muck of Buy-N-Large. Naturally, he is the bad guy and it’s an obvious swipe at Wal-Mart; which is strange since most of the Wall-E toys are on the shelves at Wal-Mart. But nevertheless, there he is on video explaining to the kids how evil whitey’s have ruined the planet. Bad Whitey CEO’s! Bad bad bad! Imagine the caterwauling from the left if the Earth-trashing CEO was a Black or Hispanic ahk-tor. What if he was Asian? Nah … who would believe the Chinese would make a mess like that. Beijing is a super-clean city with zero pollution problems. Just ask the Olympic athletes how clean the place is – they can’t even breathe in the freakin’ place. All that being said, Wall-E is not as bad flick, but it does not live up to all the hype. At times the film moves so slowly, it almost goes into sleep mode. The mainstream pop-culture media fawns all over Wall-E, because it heaps the ecology/recycling/green aspiration on so thick. Wall-E is a bit Gloom-E. “Mommy … are we bad people?” “No, we’re not.” “But we’re ruining the planet and – “Hush! Here’s a Wall-E toy, now shush up and stuff your K-Mart slurpee in your face.” While you’re on the way to Target to pick up your kid’s Wall-E toy, and you fill up your gas-guzzling SUV for about $75, think about the squirrel-kissers and tree-huggers that made Wall-E possible. There’re the same geeks who are responsible for the high price of gas in the first place. America has not built a new nuclear power plant of refinery for over 30 years, not to mention drilling for available oil. And there’s no end to the charlatans who popped up with “green” ideas for you to buy. Environmental psychobabblers who charge the “I-feel-guilty” sappy public thousands to do such things as get in mental-touch with trees, buying carbon credits and carrying dirt in their pockets to remind them they are “part of Mother Earth.” These “green” scammers serve only one purpose: to make liberals feel better about themselves. The biggest fraud in the land of the environmental psychobabblers is none other than Al Gore, the 2x4, the Jolly Green Robot. Big Al’s huge mansion in Tennessee uses twenty times the amount of energy as the average house uses. But that’s okay, because Big Al – who is an energy hog – is the darling of the left, who view Global Warming as their new religion. They’ll tell you that Gore buys carbon credits to offset his carbon footprint. The truth is Al gore owns the company he buys carbon credits from; i.e., he makes money when people buy his carbon credits. Then there’s the Hollyweird mantra of “Girls Kickin’ Arse.” Wall-E meets EVA, a female robot who is stronger than Wall-E and is armed to the teeth. She shoots first and asks questions later. This example is better demonstrated by the Tomb Raider movies featuring Angelina Jolie, where a 115 pound woman slaps around hulking 250 pound men, all the while crashing off walls and smashing through windows with nary a scratch. Entertaining for sure, but not exactly realistic (unless she happens to be an irate street-thuggette from the WNBA). When EVA first appears in Wall-E, it’s not immediately obvious it is a female robot, because they’re sort of gender-neutral. It’s not even certain that Wall-E is a boy robot. He may be a lesbobot. No one in the film uses the terms “he” or “she;” we just assume they’re a boy-girl couple because we don’t work at Disney and well … that’s another story altogether. There are some fun things to look for in Wall-E. Look for references to Pong, the Clapper, Rubik’s Cube, Hello Dolly and 2001 A Space Oddity. Listen closely to the voice of Wall-E. It’s Ben Burtt; the same guy who made the voice for R2D2, Chewbacca, the hiss of Alien, the light sabers and Vader’s breathing in Star Wars, E.T. and many more. Wall-E has two of the five Bachelor B’s: Bashes and Bombs. No Blood, no Beasts and no Breasts – unless of course you count the flabby bits of the future humans, but let’s not go there. I give Wall-E three Capitalist Dollar Signs (out of 5). $$$
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