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02/10/12
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May 26,
2008 Robert Downey Jr. (Tony Stark/Iron Man) – titanium good guy. Jeff Bridges (Obadiah) – chrome dome bad guy. Terrence Howard (Rhodes) – true-blue black guy. Gwyneth Paltrow (Pepper) – girl Friday, or any other day Stark wants her. They tell me that a hard man is good to find – well, ladies, here he is. Faster than a speeding F-22, more powerful than an angry mother-in-law, able to bounce off buildings in a single thunk; look up in the sky it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s C3PO on steroids! Everybody duck! He’s the love-child of Astro Boy and a Transformer – he’s Iron Man! (insert Black Sabbath song here). You know that old saying, “he who dies with the most toys wins?” Well let me tell y’all, this boy has more destructive gizmo’s than BAE, General Dynamics, General Atomics, Northrup, Lockheed and United Technologies put together. Come to think of it, if all these guys ganged up on him, Iron Man would still open up a can of whoop on ‘em. And who is it in the frantic fun suit? None other than Robert Downey Jr., playing a wisecracking, hard-drinking, skirt-chasing money-tosser. In other words, Downey was typecast again. But this time they got it right. They only left one question unanswered: How does he pee in that suit? Here’s the plot of Iron Man in a tuna can; billionaire bomb builder decides to save the planet (Al Gore the 2x4 eat your green heart out) – and blow up lots of stuff, score with some hot chicks and make a big mess along the way. I totally want to party with this dude. The PC gadgetry will be noticeable right away to any comic book geek. The Iron Man story has not only been upgraded, it’s been sensitized so as not to offend any particular group, except of course, white male capitalists. In the original 1963 Iron Man Tony Stark was a tycoon arms inventor and an avid anti-Communist, who was wounded in Vietnam. He then invented an impenetrable suit of armor, which he used to wreak havoc upon Ho Chi Minh. How politically incorrect is that? In 2008, Hollyweird will not allow such a thing. Today’s Iron Man gets wounded in Afghanistan by a group of Taliban lookalikes, although we never hear the words Taliban or Muslim and we certainly don’t hear any talk of anti-communism. In fact, capitalism has its feet held to the fire in this flick. It’s a bad thing to say that Middle Eastern terrorists are Muslims. Middle Easterners are simply nice people trying to survive in a world full of evil Western Caucasian capitalists. Middle Eastern Muslims didn’t attack the USA, George Bush did. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so. More PC sparks out when we see Stark go through an epiphany. While recovering from wounds suffered in an ambush, Stark has a soup can sunk into his sternum. It’s some kind of super-magnet to prevent shrapnel from entering his heart. Um … okaaaayyyy. “We’re what keeps the world from falling into chaos,” he is told. “Well we’re not doing a very good job of it,” he replies, then adds later, “The system (of weapons disbursement) has no accountability.” This is a direct reference to what Hollyweird hates the most – the war against terrorism not run by liberals. Better put, the war against terrorism run by evil conservatives like “Deadeye” Dick Cheney. The damaged heart and “no accountability” references are clear. And if you think that is in the film by coincidence; think again. Military force by the USA is bad. Military force used by other countries, particularly those that hate America, is an understandable reaction. America is the evil force in the world. We need to be nice to people who hate us. Then we can all be friends, sit around the campfire and sing Kum-By-Ah. A One-World Guv’mint run by caring liberals (read: socialists) is what we all need. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so. Venerable ahk-tor Jeff Bridges brings to Iron Man the most obvious and most often deployed parcel of Hollyweird PC; The Evil Blue-Eyed Whitey. As the film moves along, we eventually discover who the real bad guy is. Is it the Taliban wannabe’s? Nooooo. Is it a backstabbing buddy or girlfriend? Nooooo. Is it the Guv’mint? No. It’s the whitest, blue-eyed guy in the movie; your typical greedy, wicked, Caucasian capitalist. This guy wants to take over the worrrllld – bwaa-hahahaaaaaaa! Bad whitey capitalist! Bad bad bad! Envision if you will, a race reversal. Iron Man’s best buddy is a black man; a military leader named Rhodes. Rhodes is played by Terrence Howard (the more serious version of Cuba Gooding). Suppose it was he who betrayed Iron Man. Additionally suppose it was the blue-eyed whitey that came to the rescue. The shrieking from the left would be ear-splitting. The NAACP (National Association of Always Complaining People) would stage a sit-in and demand that the Guv’mint pay for free coffee and donuts for the sit-inners. This brings us to one of Hollyweird’s favorite panaceas; the Sacred Minority Rule. This rule demands that if there is only one of a particular minority featured in a film, that particular minority character will be endowed with angelic qualities. Thus is the case with Rhodes. Hollyweird really insults blacks and other minorities by doing this, but they cannot see the insult, as they are blinded by the do-gooder mentality. “Heavies” (bad guy roles) are some of the most fun and memorable roles in movie history. What ahk-tor – black, white or otherwise – would not want one of these roles? So by going out of their way to not appear racist, Hollyweird engages in racism. This is typical liberalism. As with all superhero action flicks, suspension of reality is a must, but that doesn’t excuse some obvious gaffes. Stark has a zillion-dollar hilltop house filled with hi-tech gizmos and expensive stuff, yet people seem to be able to waltz in and out of his lair at will. In one scene, Stark’s helmet comes off and he’s blasted with flames, but not a hair on his head is singed. His chest magnet is supposed to keep shrapnel from entering his heart, but is lead magnetic? None of Stark’s cool cars has a front license plate, everyone else does. Keep a keen eye and you’ll see his Howard Hughes mustache disappear and reappear a few times. Ditto with blood on his ear and an arm sling. But hey, with this amount of quick edit shots CGI, they’re bound to miss a few here and there. It kind of goes with Hollyweird’s massive nepotism culture. “Hello Murray? Yeah this is Myron. Say, my nephew Morton needs a job. Got anything in continuity?” Iron Man has four of the five Bachelor B’s; Blood, Beasts, Bashes and Bombs. No Breasts, which is odd, since Gwyneth Paltrow flashes the twins in many other movies and Stark chases more ho’s than former Presibubba Bill Clinton at an intern recruiting seminar. Iron Man is fun movie to see, and watching Robert Downey Jr. drinking, carousing and smashing into things seems fitting. In fact his Iron Man commercial is on the TV behind me right now, showing him crashing, bashing and breaking stuff – oh wait … that’s the Nightly News. I give Iron Man four Capitalist Dollar Signs (out of 5). $$$$
Hear
RadioFree Rocky D at www.wtma.com |
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