April 14, 2008

Real Headline: "2nd man charged in terrorism TV case"

HeraldSunWorldStar DailyNewsTimesExaminer TelegraphPress report: Two men with foreign, suspicious-sounding names, Elahwal and Iqbal, were arrested for the capitalistic entrepreneurial crime of using satellite dishes to distribute Hezbollah television station broadcasts to their New York-area customers. Since the USSA government designated the station, al Manar, as a global terrorist entity, the two men face five-year prison terms for stupidly believing that freedom of speech exists in America. The thinking, apparently, is that anyone watching a terrorist TV station is guilty of aiding global terrorism.

In related news, SWAT-clad FBI agents raided the HBO studios where the TV series "The Sopranos" is taped and roughed up everyone they could get their gunbutts on. The justification, of course, is that anyone watching a TV show about vicious gangsters with foreign, suspicious-sounding names like Carmela and Silvio is guilty of aiding global gangsterism.

And certain undisclosed sources report that the CIA is looking into a British-based conspiracy code-named "Harry Potter" that distributes texts containing foreign, suspicious-sounding names like Muggles and Hogwarts, which promote wizardry. Anyone reading these tracts is, of course, under suspicion of aiding global wizardry.

Real Headline: "Swift Boat Veterans, MoveOn.org fined for ads"

American Courtroom: "I find you Swift Boaters and you MoveOnners guilty of committing the crime of political free speech. I'm fining you Swifties $299,500 and you Movers $150,000. I don't care that you operated legally under tax code provision 527 of the campaign finance regulations for groups like you. I'm finding you guilty because you failed to register as political committees. If you had filed as political committees I would have found you guilty on some other technicality. That's because freedom-hating campaign watchdog pressure groups want you to be found guilty and because the Bureaubastards at the Federal Election Commission want your money. You idiots must think you're living in a constitutional republic or something. Besides, those Swift Boat and MoveOn names you use are foreign and suspicious-sounding. I think you might be aiding the corruption of the official and rightful American language, which is English, not Bloggish."

Real Headline: "SAF sues library system over Internet censorship of gun websites"

Your TV screen: "This is Channel 7 BlabberCast News At Nine Special Correspondant Mike Shallo reporting live from the Spokane branch of the, uh, NCRL, uh, let me check my notes, oh yeah, the North Central Regional Library District, where three people have been denied the right to look up information about guns on public access computers in the public library because the librarians use internet filters to block access to gun sites. The SAF, uh, where's my notes, the Second Amendment Foundation is suing the library because the library is a publicly funded entity and the websites represent constitutionally protected speech. We are speaking with Otto Freewill, a librarian..."

"... Libertarian."

"But, uh, my notes say librarian ..."

"No, they say that I'm a libertarian."

"Okay, so a libertarian is ..."

"... a person who understands that if governments were restricted to their constitutionally-defined limits there would be no such things as taxpayer-funded libraries and this issue would never come up."

"Uh, well, that's certainly an odd idea. But here's Ms. Paige Turner, a real librarian. How do you justify denying access to gun-related websites?"

"This is Spokane. We are priggish capitalist-hating leftwing anarcho-socialists who are terrified of guns and want to force our fears on everyone else."

"Well now, that makes a lot more sense. Back to the main studio."

Real Headline: "Feds pushing for Internet records"

Bloggish Report: FedGovGoons want a law requiring every Internet provider to track every website visited by every USSA computer user. It will be yet another innocent crime-fighting tool like warrantless wiretapping, secret snooping of library records and unfettered access to everyone's email for the purpose of, depending on which FedGovGoon you talk to, protecting children, ensuring national security, preventing ID theft, or because "we're bigger than you and we say so." The rationale is that anyone accessing any website anywhere with foreign, suspicious-sounding names like YouTube and ebay is guilty of something-or-other, probably looking at porn or reading some subversive material about gangland wizardry on Swift Boat Veterans or MoveOn.org and must be stopped for the children's sake.

Your home: "Hmmm, guess I'll just log onto freecannon.com and ... Hey ... What ... My door is being ... who are you men ... No No it's only a wireless mouse ... I'll drop it ... don't shoot ... Arrrrrgh ..."

Published 15 April 2007

Garry Reed's articles have appeared in the Fort Worth Star-Telegram, LP News and other print and online publications.

Copyright -- Garry Reed
The Loose Cannon Libertarian

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The War on Peanuts

The state of the State of Columbia

A Paean to Political Patriotism

The war against law-abiding citizens

The Stupidification of America

Ten reasons to love global warming

America needs Gun Control ... for Bureaucrats

Yelling 'Peace' in a Crowded Classroom

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The Libertarian's Legitimate Litmus Lessons