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10/07/08
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April 07,2008 Cliff Curtis (D’Leh) – prehistoric coverboy Camilla Belle (Evolet) – prehistoric covergirl Mona Hammond (Old Mother) – prehistoric Jeanne Dixon Omar Sharif (Narrator) – prehistoric narrator – that’s typecasting, isn’t it? When I first saw the movie title 10,000 BC, I thought it was the story of John McCain’s first campaign (insert rimshot here, hyuck-hyuck-hyuck). Now I don’t mind suspending belief for a movie; after all this is where the popularity for Star Trek, Indiana Jones, et al, comes from, but you’d think the makers of 10,000 BC would get something historically accurate. Did you know that 10,000 years ago people rode horses like cowboys, forged steel, built pyramids, had sophisticated sailboats, domesticated work animals and had a written language? Maybe the blame for this lies with publik skool, since guv’mint edjumacaters cannot even get War Between The States history right. 10,000 BC is Rambo meets the Flintstones, as large hairy beasts rumble across the screen chased by smaller, less hairy beasts. You know this is fiction when you see a giant cockfight and there’s not a Mexican in sight. To immediately set the historical record straight, there has never been any evidence that prehistoric man domesticated the mammoth. Ditto for horses before 4000 BC. Ditto for Egyptian pyramid building before 2700 BC. Ditto for metalworking before 5500 BC. So why not move the date ahead eight millennia and call it “2000 BC” just for accuracy’s sake? But my favorite factual faux pas was watching a mammoth gallop like a horse. Ever watch an elephant run? They don’t; they sort of walk fast and they cannot jump. Elephants are the only mammals that have four forward bending knees, (unless you count Rosie O’Donut, who has only two – that we know of) so galloping is out of the question. So as the not-funny-unless-you-think-you’re-hip Jerry Seinfeld would ask; “Who ARE these people?” Here’s the plot of 10,000 BC in a giant terror-chicken eggshell: Girl gets kidnapped, Boy chases after her, then Al Gore the 2x4, the Jolly Green Robot, swoops in and blames the end of the ice age on George Bush (okay I made that last part up – but it would be an improvement). The politically correct poop plops out of 10,000 BC like, well … mammoth plop. There are two scenes where animals give people knowing glances. First when a saber tooth tiger goes nose-to-nose with our hero and does not eat him (returning a favor, no less) and later a mammoth turns to our hero and his posse and nods as if to say, “I feeeel your pain … and I owe you one, bubba.” Animals have special powers to communicate with people, but you must be an Earth Person to do so. Animals have just as many rights, legal and otherwise, as we humans do. After all, animals are people, too. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so. Got news for ya, squirrel-kissers; animals don’t think. If mammoths knew that in the succeeding 12,000 years humans would invent Chuck E. Cheese and sire the likes of Hillary Ramrod’m Clinton, they would’ve stomped us into grease spots when they had the chance. And for you cat-owners out there (saber toothed or otherwise); cats are stupid. Every time they blink it’s a new day. No, your cat Fluffy, is not being “aloof,” she’s just a stupid cat that always looks that way. Go ahead; write me letters. You know I’m right. More PC flop flies when we see “Old Mother.” OM is a nice grandmotherly lady with a twist – she can see things. Heck, my Grandfather used to do that, too, especially after a bottle or two of Wild Turkey. OM is the matriarch of the clan and although most of the clan seems to be sort of lunch-bag-brown (heretofore referred to as LBB) with a few Caucasians thrown in, OM is an Asian – I would say Chinese, by appearance. And you know what happens when you have an old Asian lady in a movie, particularly one that lives in ancient times. Asians have seeecret powers. They know things. Things that no silly meat-eating, land-grabbing Whitey could ever know. They see the wind, they hear the seasons, they know seeecret things. Caucasians know nothing. They stole everything and killed everybody. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so. By the way; I’m a LBB – so go ahead and write me mo’ letters. Keep a lookout near the end of the movie for the most PC event of all. This is when we finally get a glimpse of who the King Of The Bad Guys really is. Our LBB heroes are attacked and kidnapped by what look like buff Egyptian terrorists. Our hapless homeys are then marched through lands populated by black people, but when we get to the land of The Bad Guy, we find out – you guessed it – he’s a Whitey! Not only that, but all the commotion in the first place starts when a blue-eyed white girl is found by our LBB tribe. Everything was fine before that. Blue-Eyed Whitey gets special treatment and she is the apparent “prize” for the young man who performs the best in the “manhood test.” I ask you this; if you were to flip the races around, say white, blue-eyed men vying for ownership of a dark-skinned almond-eyed girl, the screeching from pencil-necked liberal feeelm crit-teeks would be deafening. Jesse Jackson would use a lawyer to extort cash from the filmmakers. Al not-so-Sharpton would stage a protest march. Nevertheless, in 10,000 BC everything is okee-dokee until the white girl is captured and taken to the evil white King. Bad paradise-ruining Whitey! Bad bad bad! The overlying PC poopery in 10,000 BC is the fact that when the various clans finally get to see where all the slaves are taken and what all the hubbub is about, they see for the first time … mechanized civilization. This, too, is apparently a bad thing. You have massive pyramids, a military hierarchy, forged steel, a huge integrated city, trained working beasts and in all this nobody seems up to any good. Civilization is not a good thing. People belong out in the forest, hugging trees and living in caves as Mother Nature (not God) intended. When indigenous brown, LBB and black people run their own societies, it’s a good thing. When Whitey does it, it’s a bad thing. Additionally there is no God – no higher power, except for benevolent Big Brother Guv’mint, which is there to take care of you and nurture you, as Old Mother did for her clan. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so. Hey Hollyweird, time for a reality check. Take a look around the room. Name any modern device invented by someone who was/is not an American or a European. I’ll wait. Put that in your next “documentary,” Michael Moore. There are some fun things to look for in 10,000 BC. When the impossibly high-tech sailboats are taking our friends away, look on the side of the river for a modern boat dock. Look for the bad guys’ “welfare nails with matching bling-bling.” Look for some Bob Marley dreadlocks. See our clan march on foot from the Arctic mountains, through the jungles of Africa, then on to the sands of Egypt in a mere few days. Look for Orion the Hunter. Look for a blind Chinese dwarf-in-the-box. Listen for the ancient dialect to swing from pigeon English to Middle Eastern to some kind of bad African/Japanese accent all in one sentence – kind of like a New York cab driver. Look for nice straight white teeth on the good guys and gnarly broken yellowy teeth on the bad guys. Look for our blue-eyed cutie-prize to be perfectly brushed and powdered in every scene, even as everyone else looks like they’ve been cleaning up mammoth dung all day. Look for a place to stash your hooch so you can spike your soda – you’re gonna need it when the movie starts. One thing that is interesting about 10,000 BC is how heavily it relies on CGI. This really makes Hollyweird ahk-tors nervous, and well it should. We are very close to rendering snippy, arrogant, narcissistic ahk-tors unnecessary. Once they refine the CGI process to absolute realism and figure out a way to synthesize the human voice, there will be no more pouty ahk-tors sulking in their trailers, because some toady forgot to pick out the offensive red M&M’s. CGI characters never call in sick or go on strike to protest the treatment of terrorist zealots in Whereverstan. They never refuse to work a script, because it’s not “global warming friendly.” So party on, blind liberal dudes; you’re being replaced by sophisticated cartoons. In 10,000 BC the CGI critters are the stars. 10,000 BC has three of the 5 Bachelor B’s. Blood, Bashes and Beasts. No Bombs, no Breasts. If there’s one thing Hollyweird should have learned from Raquel Welch, it’s that nothing should come between a cavegirl and her leather bikini. Thinking of going to see 10,000 BC? Eh … I say yabba dabba don’t. I give 10,000 BC two Capitalist Dollar Signs (out of 5). $$
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