First, get into the United States, anyway you can. If you're going to do it legally, a Temporary Worker visa is the easiest way. But why bother with the paperwork, just walk across the border when they're looking the other way!
Next, you need to find a man. Do it quickly before they can deport you. And preferably a guy who can't afford his own lawyer -- I'll explain why in a minute.
Tell him you came to the United States to find a new life, to start over, whatever. Use your feminine wiles. Tell him how badly your previous boss or boyfriend treated you. Move in with him. If you can get pregnant or married, that much better.
Here's where it gets a little dicey, but if you follow my instructions carefully, you'll nail down that restraining order and hit the VAWA jackpot. Think of a time when he raised his voice, got angry, or told you to stop over-spending the bank account. In our abundant Land of Opportunity, all of those things are considered to be domestic violence!
Now all you have to do is go to a judge and say the argument you had last night made you feel afraid. If you can say it with a trembling lip or misted eye, that will work wonders.
Or just accuse him of trying to "control" you. All this may sound unbelievable, but judges have been to lots of classes, and they know that domestic violence is all about power and control.
If that doesn't work, just make something up about him shoving or forcing you to have sex. But don't claim he actually slugged you, or the judge might want to see the bruises - then you'd have some explaining to do.
Don't worry about your illegal status, because amazingly the judge is not allowed to ask. Not only that, judges are instructed, "A denial of a protective order would be discrimination based on national origin which is specifically prohibited by law." You can find that in the Arizona Domestic Violence Benchbook - right there on page 25. (PDF)
That drive-through restraining order will get your husband or boyfriend kicked out of the house. Now the fun really begins.
First, claiming to be a battered woman (it's better to use red-meat words like "battered" rather than "abused") makes it almost impossible for the Citizenship and Immigration Service to deport you.
And now you can start to apply for a broad range of benefits - welfare, Medicaid, and child support. Remember, none of these programs need to know that you are an illegal immigrant - even if they ask, and don't have to answer.
Then you can go to the Immigration Service and "self-petition" for work authorization, permanent residency, and eventual citizenship. Form I-360 says all you need is an order of protection - so the 15 minutes you spent at the courthouse is already reaping huge dividends.
At some point they might ask you if you are a victim of battery or extreme cruelty. Don't worry, because if you look at the fine print, the law says your self-declaration is enough. That means whatever you say, they have to believe you. Didn't I tell you this was going to be a blast?
And there are loads of websites that give step-by-step instructions how to work the system, like WomensLaw.org.
If you still don't believe me how easy this is, then go to the website of the U.S. government.
all boils down to three simple steps:
And remember the Violence Against Women Act guarantees you free legal help. But your husband or boyfriend won't be eligible, so if he can't afford a lawyer, you've already won the case.
Maybe you've heard of men who were falsely accused of abuse, how it ruined their reputations, emptied out their bank accounts, and destroyed relationships with their children.
Don't worry about those stories. Congress put these benefits into the VAWA law, so obviously it intended for you to take advantage of them.
You go, girl!
Carey Roberts probes and lampoons political correctness. His work has been published frequently in the Washington Times, Townhall.com, LewRockwell.com, ifeminists.net, Intellectual Conservative, and elsewhere. He is a staff reporter for the New Media Network.