June 11, 2007

Authorities today said they had arrested two young members of Al Qaeda who had been planning what they claimed was "the worst terror plot we have ever encountered."

Arrested at the Mayfield (Ohio) Grammar School were two eight-year-olds, Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver, and Lawrence "Larry" Mondello. Also confiscated were what government authorities said were detailed plans and blueprints to attack the United States with soldiers, tanks, airplanes, spaceships, meteorites and what appeared to be highly intelligent and exceptionally unpleasant alien chickens from Venus.

"If this plot had gone though, hundreds of millions of Americans would have been killed," said Generalissimo Barny Fife, head of Homeland Security.

"This is dumb," said Beaver Cleaver. "Larry and I were drawing pictures on sheets of paper when we were in class, and that snitch Judy called the police and said we were involved in a terror plot."

"That's right," echoed Larry Mondello. "We were just drawing spaceships and other stuff, and also some aliens that maybe looked like chickens, I guess. Next thing I know a SWAT team comes in and throws us on the floor. We didn't do nuthin'. Is it against the law to draw pictures anymore?"

Also arrested was Gus the Fireman, who yelled at police and called them "a bunch of darn morons who couldn't find their butts with both hands and someone directing them with a pointer."

"They shot me with one of those Tazers," said the 85-year-old Gus. "It was worse than when I was in the Gulag in '42, and those Russkie Bolsheviks wired my 'nads up to one of those Westinghouse telephone generators and called home a bunch of times. Nazis my butt. Those Bolsheviks were lots worse."

A local newspaper columnist, H.L. Mencken, had this is say about the accusations against the two boys: "The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary. "

"I don't exactly understand what he means," said Generalissimo Fife, "but I know a serious terror plot when I see it, and this was the most serious one I have ever run across. Admittedly all the rest of those terror plots were entrapments in which we sent in people to get these morons to run their mouths, and there was no way they could have blown up pipelines or shot up an Army base, but heck, now we've got a real live plot here!

"It's a good thing we nipped it in the bud."

Both boys were transferred to Guantanamo Bay. No charges are expected to be filed, ever. Both are considered to be illegal enemy combatants, since they were not in uniform.

"They'll be released when the war is over," said Fife. "It should in about 20 years."

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