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09/06/10
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July 10,
2006 Tom Hanks (Langdon) – same character as Nicolas Cage in National Treasure, but with greasier hair. Audrey Tautou (Sophie) – who else to carry the bloodline of Jesus than a snotty French woman? Ian McKellen (Teabing) – an old gay Englishman (typecasting redundancy). Paul Bettany (Silas) – self-flagellating albino assassin; but aren’t they all? This film may lead to hearing loss. Your right ear will be assaulted by Christian folk nattering, “It’s-fiction-ya-know-it’s-fiction-ya-know” and your left ear will be inundated by anti-Christians jabbering, “It’s-true-ya-know-it’s-true-ya-know.” Friends, I’ve read THE BOOK and seen THE MOVIE and I can tell you that The Da Vinci Code actually does commit a grave sin that begins with a “B.” No, not blasphemy – boredom. Once this flick comes out on DVD, people will wear out their “play” buttons thinking this slow-moving turkey is on pause. This movie is so dull it could put Jesus Himself to sleep – and it’s about Him. One thing is sure; only Christianity is expected to endure a backhanded insult such as The Da Vinci Code. You will never see Hollyweird make a movie impugning Judaism, Buddhism or even the new-age wacky Wiccans. Hell, Hollyweird is positively frightened to even show a single image of Muhammad. So why all the Christian-bashing? Simple. It’s trendy. And to Hollyweird, to not be trendy would be a real sin. So, you are the Christ, you're the great Jesus Christ. Prove to me that you're no fool; walk across my swimming pool. – Jesus Christ Superstar. Here’s the plot of The Da Vinci Code in a Gnostic nutshell: Spanky and his Our Gang pals go on a scavenger hunt to prove that the Christian Church lied about who Jesus really was. Sloth-speed silliness ensues. Let’s face it; Dan Brown has a bone to pick with the Catholic Church. Not that they don’t deserve it sometimes, but Brown shouldn’t be throwing stones around his little glass house – or should I say large, upscale all-white suburbanite abode, nearby the exclusive private school, Philips Exeter Academy, which a young, elitist Dan attended. Good thing that; if he had been enrolled in my publik skool, “wedgie” would not begin to describe how far up his butt we’d have yanked this geek’s underwear. The PC preaching ascends from The Da Vinci Code like no other film (disregarding movies starring Al Gore the 2x4 pretending to understand climatology – or any other subject for that matter). The very nature of this movie is politically correct. After all, to Hollyweird the only real God is Big Brother Guv’mint, and if there was a Son Of God it would be Hillary or Stalin or some other socialist. Jesus wasn’t the Son of God; he was just a really neato guy who rebelled against THE MAN; that is if he existed at all. I know this, because Hollyweird (and Muslim terrorists) tells me so. If God was here he’d tell it to your face, man you’re some kinda sinner – Signs; Five Man Electrical Band More PC rises like Lazarus as we see the “Priory Of Sion” featured as the protectors of the “sacred bloodline” for nearly a millennium. The real story of The Priory is much more fun. Seems that the PS is a big hoax perpetrated by a French bunco artist (because all the French are artists) named Pierre Plantard and two of his buddies. Pierre was trying to con his way to the French throne by inventing ancestors and planting the bogus “evidence” in various locations around France. All of this happened in the ancient biblical time of 1956-AD. Plantard was exposed as a fraud and was once given a four-month prison sentence for inventing other fictitious groups with haughty monikers such as The French National Renewal, the French Union and Alpha Galates. Naturally, none of these groups ever existed, but they did list Pierre as President, Heir To The Throne and True King Of France. Petard once said he fabricated the stuff while under the influence of LSD. He died in obscurity in February, 2000. But all this does not deter The Da Vinci Code and its Kool-Aid drinking followers from claiming the PS as the true protector of the bloodline of Jesus. Jesus needed the protection of Man to survive. Man is the center of the universe. The only true higher power is man-made Guv’mint; and then only if that guv’mint is run by caring, nurturing liberals who know better than you what is good for you. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so. The Da Vinci Code also relies heavily on such “clues” as the PS stained glass window and the “Rose Line” that runs through Rosslyn Chapel in Scotland. These are listed as proof that Christian skullduggery was afoot. As it turns out there is no rose line and the PS is actually SP – for Saint Peter. Jesus just left Chicago and he’s bound for New Orleans. Workin’ from one end to the other and all points in between. – ZZ Top. More PC emanates from The Da Vinci Code when we’re told that Jesus actually had a daughter named Sarah who fled to France with her mother, Mary Magdalene. From there, the bloodline was preserved by mixing with French nobles. This is supposedly the result of Jesus having sexual relations with Mary Magdalene and Mary herself being Jesus’ favorite desciple. Of course, all of this truth has been hidden from the public by the Christian Church. Bad Christian truth-hiders! Bad bad bad! In reality, there is a passage in the Gnostic writings about Jesus kissing Mary Magdalene, but the papyrus on which it is written is in poor physical condition and many words are missing and undecipherable. The original text reads: “Jesus kissed her often on the _____ (missing word).” So Dan Brown and others simply added in whatever word they wanted; mouth, hand, cheek, (booty, ta-ta’s – don’t get me started). It may very well have said “cheek,” since that was and still is a customary greeting in the Middle East. Besides, if Jesus and Mary were wed, someone would have made note of it. Even the Gnostic Gospel of Mary Magdalene fails to make such a claim. And if Jesus and Mary M were hitched, one would think that after Jesus was crucified, Mary Magdalene and his mother Mary would have been seen together. Not to mention that Mary Magdalene’s real name was Miriam of Magdala – but why bother with historical accuracy’s at this point. Besides, if Jesus’ bloodline was mixed with the French, then why are the French so snobbish? From all accounts, Jesus was a pretty nice guy and never stuck his nose up at anyone. Of course this may explain the Frenchies’ unwillingness to fight. I don’t care what they may say; I don’t care what they may do; Jesus is just alright – Doobie Brothers. Mo’ betta PC emanates from The Da Vinci Code when we see an albino assassin, Silas, from the Opus Dei sect. He has been sent to kill anyone trying to secure The Big Secret. Silas shoots his gun accurately from a distance in dim light and gets into a nighttime willy-nilly car chase. This is a good trick, since human albinos are nearly blind. Ever see famous albino rockers Johnny or Edgar Winter? If you did, they probably didn’t see you. Silas also beats himself silly with a whip and wears a cilice around his leg. Now that’s weird. But then again you can get that treatment at S&M clubs anywhere in New York City. The point here is who is the most evil guy in The Da Vinci Code? You guessed it; the whitest guy in the movie. Whiteys are inherently evil. The whiter they are the more evil they are. Therefore albinos must be ultimately evil. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so. Imagine the howling from the left if the assassin character was portrayed as a black Muslim. Nah … Muslims murdering Christians – that would never happen. On my radio show, RadioFree Rocky D (WTMA, Charleston, SC ), I interviewed ahk-tor Dennis Hurley, who auditioned for the part of Silas. Dennis was not cast and was told was “not right” for the part. Probably because Dennis started telling the Hollyweirdo’s that they had the Silas character pegged all wrong. You see, Dennis is an actual albino and he found out it’s not a good idea to confuse Hollyweirdo’s with facts. Jesus never let me down. You know Jesus used to show me the score. Then they put Jesus in show business, now it's hard to get in the door. – U2. There are so many implausibilities in The Da Vinci Code even Saint Catherine of Alexandria (the patron Saint of scribes) could not list them all. Although Ron Howard (he’ll always be the loveable li’l Opie to me) does his level best to stay away from the biblical controversies and concentrate on the murder mystery aspect of the film, it is still impossible to escape the glaring dumbness of The Da Vinci Code. Historic organizations that either never existed or had no association with one another are mysteriously connected. The French FBI (Quai des Orfevres) is a gelastic gaggle of bumbling Keystone Kops. An old man, shot in the guts, still has enough physical strength to lift a heavy painting off a wall and then while dying, writes elaborate artistic clues in his own blood. We meet the world’s only eagle-eyed albino. And to top it off, the meaning of all ancient religious symbols comes down to penises and vaginas. And the three men I admired most; the Father, Son and the Holy Ghost; they caught the last train for the coast – American Pie, Don McLean. So if you want to watch a flick where the characters blab, then run to a clue; blab some more, then run to another clue; blab some more, then run to another clue (continuing ad infinitum), or you just want to catch a 2-hour nap, then The Da Vinci Code is just what you’ve been looking for. Then again, that figure to the right of Jesus in Da Vinci’s Last Supper does look like a woman … hmm … (it is John, the youngest disciple, swooning at the bad news). Next thing you know, Hollyweird will be claiming that the disciples were all gay, because they’re all wearing matching Birkenstock sandals. I give The Da Vinci Code two Capitalist Dollar Signs (out of 5). $$
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RadioFree Rocky D at www.wtma.com |
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