Naomi Watts (Ann Darrow) – Massive Monkey’s main momma.
Jack Black (Carl Denham) – Massive Monkey moviemaker.
Adrien Brody (Jack Driscoll) – makes off with Massive Monkey’s main momma.
Evan Parke (Hayes) – mangled by massive Monkey.
Ric Herbert (Sleazy Studio Guy) – has little to do with the story, but is there any other type?
Okay, okay, I succumbed to the super-simian hype and I went to see King Kong; or as I like to call it, “the B.A.M.M.” – Big-Ass Monkey Movie. Kong stands 25 feet tall, weighs in at a burly 2000 pounds and has more body hair than all the NOW members combined. He opens up a can of massive monkey whoop on three tyrannosaurus rex’s at once – all the while keeping a blonde bimbo under his foot. Monkey my eye; this ape is a man’s man if ever there was one. At least I think so, but then again Kong stomped around with no pants on the whole time and it looked to me like Kong was not exactly anatomically correct. No wonder he was such an angry ape; you would be, too.
Here’s the plot of King Kong in a banana basket: big ape grabs girl and wrecks Manhattan (no, this is NOT the Donald Trump story). Yeah yeah I know; limp-wristed feelm crit-teeks whimper that there’s supposed to be a love story in here somewhere and there’s supposed to be a message about real jungles versus concrete jungles, but there’s supposed to be real meat in a can of Spam and I don’t believe that either.
The PC howls out of King Kong like … well … a howler monkey. We first see scenes of depression era New York City, with raggedy riffraff clogging the streets as top-hatted dandy’s (depression era evil Caucasian capitalists) stick their noses in the air seemingly oblivious to the dismal disorder surrounding them. One evil whitey even suggests that our heroine become a burlesque stripper, and another evil whitey wants to know if the movie being made has “boobies” in it.
Bad horny Caucasian capitalists (except, of course, current Hollyweird millionaires)! Bad bad bad!
Terrible greedy conservatives caused the Great Depression. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so.
Actually liberals caused the Great Depression. To be exact, power-mad-do-anything-to-win-the-White-House Democrats were the cause of the Great Depression (sound familiar?). History revisionists in the once revered and now comical world of the academe like to blame it all on Herbert Hoover. But what was really going on, yet almost never reported today, was a constant media pounding from the Democrats who claimed the worldwide depression was caused by the Republicans and only the Democrats could save us from economic ruin. By frightening the American public into halting their purchasing, making major changes in the economy and going off the gold standard, FDR literally caused the depression to spread; all the while putting our nation into more debt by attempting to spend his way out of the mess he created. You won’t hear that on PBS or the “History” Channel. (Editor's note: Click here for an overview of the Great Depression.)
More PC slips out like a banana peel when we meet “Hayes,” King Kong’s sacred minority character. Hayes is a black sailor who has taken a lost young white boy under his wing. Hayes is this kid’s mentor, father figure and hero. The unwritten Hollyweird rule is that if there is only one of any so-called “minority” character in a film, that character will be endowed with angelic qualities; hence the sacred minority rule. And indeed, Hayes does just that; sacrifices himself to save his young charge and his unwashed whitey sailor pals – that’s how cool he is. By the way, that brings up another point; Hayes always looks neat and clean every time you see him. Not so for the rest of the crew; a shabby gaggle of moth-eaten toothless ruffians – Caucasian ruffians; except for one Asian guy and he sacrifices himself, too.
So-called, self-proclaimed “minorities” are inherently beneficent; Caucasians, specifically whiteys, are inherently fiendish. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so.
Imagine now that the character’s races were reversed. The caterwauling from the left would be more ear-busting than Kong’s roar. Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton would be marching circles around the studio offices chanting some inane rhyming phrase like “King Kong! All wrong! Funky monkey with a blonde honey! We demand reparations money!”
So why all the chatter about racism in this flick? Beats me; I always thought King Kong was just a big-ass monkey movie. That is until egghead liberal elitists correlated Kong’s capture with African slavery. Go figger that one.
This brings us to the biggest PC notion of all: Kong in chains on display for the amusement of evil whiteys (I noticed not a single non-Caucasian in the theatre audience), easily compared to slaves in chains in America. On top of that, Kong is fascinated by his bimbo’s blonde locks and he kidnaps her and drags her around two jungles. Hmm … so what are they saying here?
Let’s quickly dispel the main myth surrounding slavery in America (this one will really make the liberal’s heads pop!). Fact one of slavery in America is that white slave traders did not – I repeat – did not sail to Africa, drop anchor and chase hapless natives through the jungle with a big butterfly net, ala the fictional depiction in Alex Hailey’s Roots. They did, however, sail to Africa, drop anchor and buy the slaves from African chieftains. A great read on that is Slavery Myths, by Laurence M. Vance. Point two is that the first slaves brought here to the New World were white; Scottish/Irish to be precise. Go check out They Were White and They Were Slaves, by Michael A. Hoffman. Point three is that long before the Europeans got here, the Native American Indians were already enslaving each other. But you won’t see any of that on PBS or the “History” Channel, either.
More PC swings out of King Kong as we see Kong exhibit human emotions. Kong gives longing looks at his blonde bimbo. Kong takes his date skating in Central Park (no, I did not make that up). Kong protects her from evil barnstorming whiteys. Kong is an ahk-tor emoooting, which is proof positive that even a bigass CGI monkey can out-act most of Hollweird’s ahk-tors. And they don’t even have to pay him in bananas, because he’s not real.
Duckies, bunnies, kitties and even 25-foot monkeys are on equal footing with man. Animals are people, too. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so.
Side note: The other day, an irate caller to my radio show informed me that I should not talk about bananas (I happen to like bananas), because bananas are “racist.” Racism through produce … go figger. I then informed the public that I’ve been to several zoos several times and I’ve never seen actually seen a monkey eat a banana – not that they don’t; I’ve just never seen it in person. All I’ve ever seen monkeys eat is leaves, smashed up apples and their own doodoo. But remember that from now on: Bananas are racist. Bananas are chock full of potassium. Potassium is on the element chart under the symbol “K.” Three bananas makes “KKK.” Ditto for three strikeouts in baseball. So if you eat a banana while playing baseball, you are a double racist.
As with all B.A.M.M’s, King Kong is rife with implausibilities. First off, Kong grabs the bimbo and rips her off the posts she’s tied to (B.A.M.M. S&M) – in reality her arms should have been ripped off at the shoulders (a terrible waste of bimbo armage). Then he runs willy-nilly through the jungle, shaking her to and fro like a rag doll. Now I’ve heard of shaken baby syndrome before, but this is way past even Michael Jacksonville. I kept waiting for her head to fly off like a loose champagne cork – after she barfed all over the place. In fact throughout the flick, the bimbo takes one helluva pounding, survives an amazing amount of g-forces, and comes back for more. This chick can party with me anytime. Later in the film, she runs through the winter streets of Manhattan wearing nothing but a sheer nightgown and she stands atop the Empire State Building with nary a shiver; nary a CNP (chilly nippy pokey). I repeat: party chick.
Here are some cool things to look for in King Kong: Look for great scenes of 1932 New York. Look for Kong to whip out some Kong-Fu at any moment’s notice. Look for a very funny dinosaur pile-up, which rivals any car crash-up in any movie. Look for some Hollyweird ahk-tors emoooting as they run through a retread of Jurassic Park. Look for brain-sucking giant leeches. Look for bigass creepy carnivorous bugs (and not a single can of Black Flag around). Look for far too many comparisons between the jungle and the city (okay okay I GET it already!). Look for a comfortable seat and some No-Doz, because this movie is 3 hours and 7 minutes long and Kong doesn’t even show up for work until the second hour. I guess you can thank the BAMU for that (Big Ass Monkey Union).
King Kong has four of the 5 of the Bachelor B’s. Blood, Beasts, Bashes and Bombs. No Breasts; which is a dang shame considering all the trouble Kong went through. You’d figure she’d at least show the big boy some … not that he and she could’ve … you know … anyway … let’s not go there.
Once again, there is the issue of Kong not having any Kong Family jewels. Hmm … maybe Kong is really a lesbian. That could explain the overemotional surly attitude, crew cut and butt-ugly face … nah – Kong didn’t own a single pair of sensible shoes or a blue plaid flannel shirt.
main problem King Kong has is we came to see a Big Ass Monkey Movie
and what we get is 30 minutes of Big Ass Monkey and two and a half hours
of mooovie. Oh yeah, there were some other ahk-tors
in the film, but who cares?