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03/15/10
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December
26, 2005 That's why if the evil Hillary Clinton runs, I'm voting for her. Because if my track record holds up -- and I guarantee you it will -- then she'll turn out to be a wonderful President. My brain tells me this horrible, evil, power-mad and possibly psychopathic witch will be a castastrophe. But since I've been wrong every time in the past when I've voted, if she runs and gets elected she'll probably be the best President in the last 100 years. Here's the best example of why I'm no longer listening to my brain: I voted for George Bush the first time he ran. I was horrified that Al Gore might be elected. He was carrying all that baggage from being associated with that white trash serial rapist Bill Clinton. Vote for a Democrat? Yech! Democrats started World War I, World War II, Korea and Vietnam. They're the Evil Party. Even though Bill Clinton should be serving life in prison for war crimes and multiple rapes (but then, how many politicians shouldn't be in prison?), he turned out to be a fairly decent President. The economy wasn't bad, the deficit was going down, there was only a minor (though unjustifed) war and a few camel-seeking missiles to take attention away from his affair with Blubber Lewinsky. Yet, I thought he was horrible. Things should be so horrible now. I was relieved when Bush was elected. I thought he was a simple-minded good ol' boy who would turn out to be a mediocre President, one who pushed through a tax cut that gave me enough money to make one monthly payment on my car. But what did I get? Possibly the worst President ever. Worse than Lincoln, worse than Woodrow Wilson, worse than FDR. What I got was an emotionally unstable dry-drunk nut with daddy problems, one who's failed at every job in his life, but still thinks God chose him to start Holy World War I. At least Clinton had the sense to blow off all those Zionist neocon traitors and their plans to use the U.S. military to secure Israel's safety. And I'll bet that Hillary will blow them off, too. And maybe there will be lots of subpoenas and investigations of everyone in Bush's adminstration. Hey, Paul Wolfowitz, hey, Douglas Feith! You guys better get out of the country while the getting's good! What I also got with Bush was a guy who made my mouth drop open when he called the Constitution a "goddamned piece of paper." And who's wasted over 2000 American and 30,000 Iraqi lives, and a hundred billion dollars, so Iraq can have an election that doesn't mean a damn thing. It's also the last time I vote Republican (aka the Stupid Party). When we finally got a Republican President and a Republican Congress -- the first time since the '50's -- I was overjoyed. What a naive', foolish boy I was! I honestly thought the deficit would go down, there would be massive deregulation, the federal government would shrink. What I got instead was a bunch of spaghetti-spined wimps who went along with every hare-brained scheme the Bush administration came up with. So that's the last time I vote Republican. You had your chance, guys, and you blew it. Whatever happens to you, you've got no one to blame but yourselves. Don't ever look to me to support you again. Look someplace else. Ha ha! My brain betrayed me once again, with Bush and the Republicans. For all practical purposes I've decided I might as well have Homer Simpson's brain. It couldn't work any worse than the once I have now. What causes these political problems? I really don't know. When I buy something in the free market I almost always get what I want. Yet when I buy something in politics, I never get what I pay for. I get the opposite. This must mean that politics is inherently corrupt. Still, people are always falling for it. Not me, though, not anymore. I've learned my lesson. When it comes to the topsy-turvy, Bizarro World of politics, always vote for the one you are convinced is the worst candidate. You'll never be disappointed. I know I won't, not anymore. Oh, hell, what am I saying? I'll be disappointed, no matter who I vote for.
Editor's Note: For the humor impaired, please note that this article is satire. Personally, I'll never vote for anyone again, regardless of what they say or do. I believe that voting for politicians is a flagrant act of aggression against everyone around me. Certainly vote against tax schemes, and for anything that would repeal a tax or a "law," but don't vote for people. |
Archives Those Pesky Natural Socialists Biff! Baff! Pow! Let's be Fascists Now! The Bum's Rush, and I Mean Literally An EZ Pocket-Guide on How to Destroy America The Most Powerful and Awful Spell Spongebob Squarepants, Libertarian Hero The Wangdangdoodle Cellular Phone Company Complete Archives for Bob Wallace
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