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07/23/08
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July 07,
2005 Christian
Bale (Batman / Bruce Wayne) – bats in his belfry and a chip
on his shoulder. What's with all the pouty billionaires these days? Ted Kennedy, Theresa Kerry, Leona Helmsley, Bruce Wayne. You'd think with all that dough they'd find something to be happy about (well, okay scotch seems to make Ted temporarily happy). Heck, I'm happy when I get grilled grouper for lunch at the Crab Shack. Batman Begins is the moodiest and broodiest of the Batman flicks; attempting to explain just why The Bat-Dude has such an attitude. Batman Begins could easily be retitled Death Wish meets Citizen Kane. It's the new millennium Batman, where one must find one's self before one opens up one's can of whoop-ass; and where the Batmobile is now a BSUV (Bat-Suburban-Utility-Vehicle). This begs the question: When did Batman become an angry soccer mom? Bat-Fact: Batman made his comic book debut in 1939, a combination of The Shadow, Dick Tracy, Sherlock Holmes and Zorro. Here's the plot of Batman Begins in a little guano pile: grumpy young billionaire battles baddies who killed his Daddy. They killed his Momma, too, but apparently she is not on the A-list (maybe she was just a breeder). Flying rodent revenge ensues. The PC flutters out of Batman Begins like a colony of cheiroptera (look it up, publik skoolers) from the very beginning (bat-pun intended), when we see Bat-Bruce training to become a master at combat. Bat-Bruce can only find out who he is and learn to focus his anger by schlepping a little blue flower up a Tibetan mountain and knocking around with a gaggle of nasty ninja's. Here he becomes Ninja-Bat. Orientals know things … seeecret things that no mere Caucasian could ever know. Americans can never reach their true selves unless they forget Western culture and accept the superiority of other cultures. Seeecret things. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so. Bruce baby; you're a zillionaire. You don't have to go to sushi-land to learn how to fight like a ninja, blow up stuff and huff hallucinogens. Heck, you can learn that right on the streets of Detroit. Or you could rent out Jackie Chan – he kicks ass and makes you laugh. You rich white guys are so silly. Bat-Fact: Batman once had a Bat-Hound named "Ace." Mo' betta PC flutters out like cheiroptera -wings (did you look it up yet, publik skoolers?) when we find out that the leader of the take-over-the-world-ninja-knuckleheads is none other than Liam Neeson. Who better to lead a multicultural one-worlder ninja death squad than a blue-eyed Irishman? Add in the corrupt whitey judge, the corrupt whitey psych-doctor, a whitey mobster and a host of inimitable corrupt corporate whitey's and the message is clear: White folks are totally screwing up Gotham City. Even the run-of-the-mill street thug who kills Bat-Bruce's Daddy is a whitey. Bad corrupt whitey's! Bad bad bad! Imagine the howling from the left if the killer street thug was black or Hispanic. That would not do. For that, you have to check the evening news. Is Dan Blather still around? What's the frequency Kenneth? Bat-Fact: When asked in 1986 whether to let "Robin" live or die, comic book readers voted thumbs down for Robin. So now Bat-Bruce needs some high-tech armor and gizmo's so he can flit about town whacking bad whiteys. Enter Morgan Freeman (the only ahk-tor besides George Burns to play God convincingly). Freeman has access to all kinds of cool bat-toys for vengeful bat-boys. It would be really something to see Morgan Freeman play an insidious baddie some day, because he has that ever-frosty cool demeanor. But not in Batman Begins; because alas, he cannot. You see, Freeman is the only black person in the film - he's the only featured minority at all. Therefore he is covered by the Sacred Minority Rule, whereby if you are the only minority in a Hollyweird film, you will be endowed with altruism and angelic powers. You will be the good guy and you will save the day. All American so-called self-proclaimed "minorities" are inviolate and immune to criticism. Only whitey's can truly be evil at heart. Especially if those whiteys are Southern and Christian. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so. Imagine the liberal whining if Freeman's character turned out to be the bad guy. It would've been an interesting twist, for sure. There are plenty of black ahk-tors who would like to play villains. "Heavy's" are fun roles; everybody remembers a great cinematic bad guy. My point here is that Hollyweird, in its ultimate liberal lunacy, is actually holding back black ahk-tors by trying to lionize them all the time. Such is the legacy of the Sacred Minority Rule - you may be seated. Bat-Fact: the first Batman comic, Detective Comics #27, is valued at $350,000. More PC is snuck in in a throwaway phrase when someone tells Bat-Bruce, "You're father's greatest legacy was the train (a monorail) - it was built for the people - it gave them freedom (sic)." Somebody in the writing department has been hanging around city council meetings somewhere. Except for Disney World, monorails have been a colossal waste of people's tax money - just ask the folks in Tampa, Fl. But that doesn't stop city and county guv'mints from pushing the monorail idea, because it's not their money that they are wasting - it's yours. You don't need a personal automobile, because the big brother guv'mint will provide you transportation paid for by magical guv'mint money. We've got pretty busses, comfy trains - and wonderful monorails for you. Public transportation is for you. Throw away your car - throw away your car - drink the Kool-Aid - I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so. Now I know that public trans has its purpose, but fact is there is nothing more liberating and uniquely American than the family car. It can take you literally anywhere you want to go. And that is what the liberals hate the most about your car - it gives them little control over where you go. So take this to heart, all you pasty-faced, granola-munching liberals: You aren't taking my car, you aren't taking my guns and you're not going to take my freedoms away without a bloody fight. Oh and this too: you can kiss my red white and blue butt - in the back of my bigass Buick as I thunder down the road eating red meat, wearing a fur coat and smoking a cee-gar. By the way, whiteys destroy the monorail here, too. Ha! Not to worry, all you weak-kneed liberals; Gotham City will merely raise taxes to fund another one, I'm sure. Bat-Fact: Unlike the Batsuits from previous films, the new design allowed Batman to turn his head. In the other films, Batman has to turn his entire torso to look to the left or right. Batman Begins is a fun flick to watch, even tough it takes itself way too seriously. See Bat-Bruce get drunk and rude at a fancy party (who does he think he is, a Kennedy?). See a cool Dr. Batlittle trick with a colony of bats. See a whole city go on a bad acid trip. See the Headless Horseman cameo. See Batman's babe-friend, who seems to have no other function in this film other than to annoy Bat-Bruce and jiggle what God gave her (okay, she does make Tom Cruise jump off furniture, but that's another bat-story). See Bat-Bimbo's hot-tubbing in a restaurant. See the first "Joker" reference. See a strange nodule on Gordon's eye (what is that thing?). See cool contraptions and bat-thingamabobs. See Batman pout; pout Batman pout. Batman Begins has 4 of the 5 Bachelor B's: Blood (but not much), Beasts (here a bat there a bat everywhere a bat-bat), Bashes (Bat-Dude likes to break stuff) and Bombs (Bat-Bubba likes to blow up stuff real good!). No Breasts, which begs the question: Just why is Katie Holmes in this flick anyway? Oh yeah; I forgot - Tom Cruise - furniture - leaping - gotcha. I give Batman Begins four Capitalist Dollar Signs (out of 5). $$$$
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