December 07 , 2004

The government announced today that it intends to crack down severely on home-cooking parents in the near future, and introduced a new plan to feed schoolchildren intravenously. With so many approved prescription foods on the market as a result of recent food safety legislation, government experts feel that unregulated street foods are dangerous for consumption by minors.

"People still think they can feed their children anything without government approval," said Dr. Buford T. Nerdlinger, a spokesman for BARF (Bureau of Appetites, Regurgitation and Flatus). "Government intervention is necessary to save lives and liberate young people from oppressive waistlines."

Nerdlinger introduced the plan at a news conference, demonstrating to reporters how children will have permanent IVs implanted in their arms. An unnamed five-year-old girl was shown with her implant, which was installed with a device resembling a nail-gun. "It's itchy! I guess it's okay, though," the girl said, twitching nervously when Nerdlinger pressed a button on a remote control he said would be issued to all dietary law enforcement officers. "We can curb excessive intake remotely with these devices to prevent food abuse," he said, "and the implants are equipped with sensors for illicit substances. In other words, unlawful cheaters will be apprehended!" The girl's mother stood by approvingly, and when asked how she felt about the program, she said, "I think it's wonderful! Who knew that home cooked food was so dangerous for children? I'm getting an implant too, to set a good example, and it'll save me a lot of time slaving over a hot stove, not to mention grocery shopping."

"We've invested countless hours of research and devoted billions of taxpayer dollars toward developing a perfectly planned, well-balanced dietary regime. Or do I mean regimen? English wasn't my best subject," Nerdlinger chuckled self-effacingly. "We're resolved to wage wars on obesity, chocolate addiction, and other disorders involving sustenance abuse. Next year we'll begin testing students' fecal samples, to make sure any children eating home cooked foods receive appropriate nutrition, dietary counseling, and where necessary, proper care in foster homes compliant with government child-care regulations."

Dr.. Nerdlinger, a graduate of the Joseph Mengele School of Retrograde Medicine, and author of the book, "How to Raise Master Race Children on a Lean Budget," proudly held up a plastic bag, and revealed the government's secret weapon in the war on (some) foods. "This," he announced, "is the lunch of tomorrow, which we've named the 'Body, Mind, and State Growth' formula, or BMSG for short. It not only nourishes children, it's great for the recycling industry, and the pharmaceutical industry, which appeals to many government lobbyists. Furthermore, it will dramatically reduce government spending on Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid, although the costs of initiating an ambitious new program like this may seem daunting."

"We've already begun programs in inner city schools around the country," he continued, "and it's been an immediate success - children are dropping pounds like hot potatoes. And they just love the names we've given to some of our nutritious IV foods, like 'Power Lunch,' 'Super Supper,' and 'Treats for Tots.'"

He notes that "Dollar for dollar, it will cost about the same as the old school lunches, so taxpayers won't notice an appreciable impact on educational food budgets - eventually, they'll appreciate the declining waistlines and shrinking health care costs as a result of our program. Dr. Nerdlinger admits that many children object to intravenous feedings at first, but explains that they rapidly grow accustomed to a fluid lunch. "A little Soma down the hatch when they get to school, and they don't complain at all. Maybe they don't pay that much attention in class, and sometimes we have to strap them in their chairs, but the benefits definitely outweigh the costs."

An added bonus, he said, is the fact that "It gives them freedom to talk on cell-phones or play games on laptops while they're eating," he said, "and they soon grow to enjoy the new lunch program. We're working to develop ways for children to have lunch and enjoy recess period at the same time, possibly wearing IV bags around the neck - rough sports are passé anyway." He adds that an enthusiastic corps of Food Choice Counselors (their motto--'Your Belly is Our Business') is hard at work to ensure the success of the program, and support its goals of fattened state coffers and skinnier school children.

Several large corporations have expressed interest in participating, to reduce the weighty demands of an increasingly obese workforce. According to Edith Little, a government expert on weight loss strategies, "Companies are fed up with the high calorie demands of their employees - they need to find new ways to downsize the workforce in tough economic times. It's not a small world anymore, and upscale people have to realize that excess pounds are simply unacceptable. Out with the quaint old concept of cafeterias, in with the new-hooked up to an IV while working in your cubicle."

"The government already regulates education and medicine in much the same way, and our qualified experts are unanimous in their opinion that this school lunch program is essential for food safety," Dr. Nerdlinger commented. "It's not like this is anything new, just government vigilance on behalf of public health and safety. Additional restrictions on diet shouldn't perturb people who have entrusted the state with their children in other ways. We've been so successful at molding minds and characters - why not build strong bodies at the same time? It's for the children, and they're our future!"

Public response to the program, while mixed, seems largely positive--many parents don't have the time or energy to cook anymore, and with food costs skyrocketing, can't afford foods they used to enjoy. While many consumers might prefer to continue a traditional diet, most seem resigned to the times.

Lew Rockwell See Bob's archives there.

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