November 18, 2004

Congressman John Hostettler (who does NOT look like his more famous near-namesake on Hogan's Heroes, despite my mental image of him) is, by today's standards, a "successful congressman" - he brings home the bacon: the pork, the hams, the hocks, and even the chittlings. His hobby (like Tom Tancredo's hobby of illegal immigration) is extending an Interstate Highway from the shores Lake Michigan to the shores of the Rio Grande in Texas, and on to Monterrey. Besides reducing the travel time for drug importers to deliver their wares to Chicago and other Rust Belt cities, Congressman John sees it as the way to speed all those Bush guest workers from Mexico to factories in Gary and Indianapolis and elsewhere, and haul their products south to the booming markets of northern Mexico. And, of course, provide lots of jobs for the Heavy Highway Construction Chapter of the Indiana Contractors Association.

Unfortunately, Mr. Hostettler has gotten distracted from his fine work on behalf of 8th District. He is wasting his time introducing legislation to protect himself and the parents of Indiana (and the entire US) from teenage innuendo about the risqué name of the highway being extended: I-69. He says he's tired of getting snickers about his "I-69" lapel pin, and "it is the moral thing to do" to change the name.

Now, if you are an old fogy (or a candidate old fogy, like me) you are probably scratching your head about how a highway number can be immoral. Ah, but that is why we have all the Mrs. Grundy's of the world - the busybodies who seek out and destroy moral dangers that might be too subtle for most of us (at least for those of us who don't have our minds in the gutter). You see, "69" is a kind of position for a man and women to, well, you know, engage in knowledge of each other - and "I-69" (to people with dirty minds) implies that well, that fine, upstanding congressmen and highway constructors and Hoosier business boosters, you know, do it. Urp. Yeah, sick, and you wonder why those teens that DO have their minds in the gutter haven't had their ears grabbed by their mothers yet (notice, kids don't have a longer left ear anymore, the way they did when we were growing up?) and marched off to a convenient bar of Ivory soap...

In fact it reminds me of the parody of that old devotional song: "Oh, I woke up this morning with my mind (where was your mind?) DOWN in the gutter." (Followed by the correct verse: "where was your mind? CENtered on Jesus.")

We'll always have these busybody groups that claim that the First Commandment was "thou shalt mind thy neighbors' business" and go out and paste more leaves on pictures of Adam and Eve in the Garden, and look for "subliminal" pictures in the muscles of comic-book heroes. But it used to be that congressmen would smile and shake hands and agree that morality was sinking to new lows, and then get back to their proper business of bringing home (at least some of) the taxes we have to pay to DC. No more - now the congressman has as dirty a mind as the obnoxious little teens, and doesn't DARE allow himself to be the subject of titters from the peanut gallery, and so he's going to force a law through to change IH 69 into IH something else, at a cost of thousands of hours and hundreds of thousands of dollars and confusion and everything else. You'd think our "public servants" would have better things to do with their time, like, I don't know, balancing the budget, or restoring our freedom, or protecting us from Mrs. Grundy's ideas of "decency."

I wonder what number he wants to give the "Highway formerly known as I-69" - oh, isn't there a perfectly good highway number out there that was just retired a few years ago, that could be "recycled" and promoted from US Highway status to Interstate Highway? Oh, and didn't it even start with a "6" also? I remember: how about US, no, Interstate Highway 666? Surely no one could object to a number right out of the Bible. Could they?

The original article summary (from Freedom Net Daily News Digest):

Indiana: Hostettler mounts campaign to change name of I-69
Hoosier Gazette

"John Hostettler, the Congressman representing the 8th district of Indiana, has been convinced by local religious groups to introduce legislation in the House that would change the name of an Interstate 69 extension to a more moral sounding number. There are plans to extend the interstate from Indianapolis through southwestern Indiana all the way through Texas into Mexico in the coming years. While most believe this highway will be good for the state?s economy, religious conservatives believe 'I-69' sounds too risqué and want to change the interstate's number. Hostettler, a proponent of the interstate extension, agrees. 'Every time I have been out in the public with an 'I-69' button on my lapel, teenagers point and snicker at it. I have had many ask me if they can have my button. I believe it is time to change the name of the highway. It is the moral thing to do.'" (11/15/04)

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