October 04 , 2004

US scientists have uncovered substantial evidence that politics damages the human brain in a privately funded, quietly conducted independent study.

Government researchers vehemently disagree, and have now begun extensive studies of lab rats to demonstrate the benign effects of political activity on the brain - but their findings so far have proved largely inconclusive. "Some rats exhibit early signs of confusion, such as appearing to be blind and falling into ditches, and tend to become aggressive, such as stealing but rationalizing it's okay because they call it taxes, but they all quickly learned to pull the lever when they found they could vote themselves cheese from the public pantry," remarked Dr. Sherman Peabody, the scientist in charge of the tax-funded project. "Any assertion that politics impedes one's ability to think intelligently sounds like a vast left-brained conspiracy theory. Or maybe right-brained. I'm not sure. Sometimes I can't tell my right hand from my left hand. Often, one doesn't know what the other is doing, either. Dr. Ninevah has the same problem."

Using advanced imaging techniques such as MRI, PET, CAT, PUG, and MICKEY and MINNIE scans, researchers at the Rocket J. Squirrel Institute in Frostbite Falls, MN, claim that the more immersed people become in politics, the more damage brain scans reveal. "Well," comments an alarmed source who prefers to remain anonymous, "This sure seems like a persuasive argument for mental health screenings of any Americans who wish to pursue careers in politics. That's a form of deterrence we might all live with."

"We have done brains scans on many registered Republicans and Democrats and have almost invariably found that the more passionately a person engages in politics, the less activity there is in the more advanced parts of the brain, and the more there is in the largely primitive parts," said Dr. William "Boris" Pratt, professor at the Karloff Neuropsychopolitical Evolutionary Socio-Emotional-Intelligence Development at the institute. However, he adds, "People who partake of politics strictly as a form of amusement appear to sustain minimal loss of brain function, so it appears that laughter, irony and satire all mitigate many harmful effects of prolonged exposure. Otherwise, we found politics shrivels brains like apples left in the sun in the backyard for about a week."

The human brain is like an onion, he said. "The most primitive parts, called the reptilian complex, which lie at the base of the brain, deal with violence, paranoia, group behavior, and a flaming desire to post misspelled insults at Free Republic and Democrat Underground," he explained. "That part becomes very active when people think intensely about politics, to the extent people like that can think at all. It lights up furiously like Clark Griswald's Christmas lights on his house in that National Lampoon Vacation movie."

The parts at the top of the brain, on top of the reptilian complex, he said, "are supposed to control the r-complex, yet we've found for those who are actively political, it's the other way around--the primitive parts of the brain overwhelm the more evolved parts. We think it might also explain P.E. teachers in public schools," he added ominously.

"Actively engaging in politics causes the part of the human brain that deals with reason and compassionate feelings to almost completely shut down," Pratt said. "It activates the regions of the brain that deal with conflict and anger," he pointed out. "The synaptic connections become corroded...they become so horrified they literally commit suicide when they're forced to deal with politics. Political engagement appears to flood the brain with a psychological equivalent of free radical activity - it's tragically preventable, if people will only cultivate healthier intellectual appetites and consume more wholesome information from diverse natural sources, and regularly exercise their skeptical abilities."

"In other words, political focus makes a person stupid, paranoid and violent," Pratt commented. "I'd go so far as to suggest it's a form of mental illness, considering the brain is not working properly under the influence of politics. People who don't filter their perceptions politically and don't rely primarily on political language in order to communicate demonstrate a greater capacity for intelligence, humor, peace, happiness and brotherly compassion - and, of course, playing those 'new games in the hollow' that Van Morrison sings about."

Surprisingly, he said that of all the habits that affect the brain, overindulging in politics appears the most troublesome addiction. "Alcoholism, cocaine, heroin, tobacco, caffeine, sucking your thumb...none of these things come close to damaging the brain as severely as dependence on politics," he said. "Considering what it does to the brain, perhaps political behavior should be prohibited from public places. 'It's for the children,' you can say. Perhaps there should be commercials that say, 'This is your brain. This is your brain on politics.' Schools should teach what a catastrophic thing believing in politics is, possibly even have after school info-education programs like those anti-drug ones. How about 'DOPE - Dare to Oust Politics from Education'? I think that's oddly apropos for a public school program."

Fortunately, Pratt said, when people cease being so enamored of politics, their brains return to normal. "The brain has amazing recuperative powers," he said. "When people quit believing in politics, they become less violent and hateful and intolerant, and quickly display increases in intelligence. It's just astonishing. Their IQs shot straight up, and they seemed much happier."

Pratt compared perceiving politics for what it really is to a religious epiphany. "It's as if the scales suddenly fall from people's eyes," he said, "and they say, 'Hey, politics is about hate and greed, and one group trying to exploit another. Is it any wonder it has never bought peace to the world? For so long I've been blindly absorbed with specks of dust in other people's eyes while ignoring the logs in mine, but now I see clearly, and it's beautiful - I love the difference!'"

Pratt expresses concern that his findings do not bode well for compulsive participants hooked on the political process. "It certainly looks like as long as people insist on political solutions to human problems, there will always be war and hate. Giving those beliefs up, on the other hand, makes for peaceful, intelligent people."

Otherwise, Pratt warns, "every political zombie in the US might end up turning into a George Bush or John Kerry, or worse, turning out to vote for them in droves, like a scene out of Night of the Living Dead. I'm going to avoid those voting booths like the plague - political madness is known to be contagious; better to be safe than gory!"

Asked for any last minute observations regarding the tax funded research in progress, Dr. Peabody shook his head sadly. "These lab rats don't seem to understand the first thing about democracy," he muttered. "Each rat prefers to pee in some other rat's water bowl now, and each expects a cut of every other rat's cheese. It's very puzzling - too bad the rules don't permit conducting our study with human subjects - rats are good enough for government, I guess."

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