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02/09/12
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September
27, 2004 Tom Cruise (Vincent) – Evil Whitey. Jamie Foxx (Max) – Innocent, honest minority abused by Evil Whitey. Jada Pinkett (Annie) – Brown shugah barrister. Hmm … I wonder what the biggest problem is in Los Angeles? Illegal aliens? No. A hundred billion dollar state deficit caused by illegal aliens? No. Ah-Nold the Governator bench-pressing hapless democrats and pinching starlet’s booties? Ehhhh-no. The biggest problem plaguing La La Land is reckless Caucasian hit men running around killing Hispanics and blacks in an effort to undermine the legal system, which is held together (by mere threads) by altruistic blacks and Hispanics. Collateral could easily be re-titled Taxi Driver meets Herbie Goes Bananas (with an attitude). Actually, the most amazing thing in Collateral is that Cruise finds a cab driver that speaks English and knows how to use a shortcut. What are the odds of that happening? Last year, Hollyweird had a preoccupation with skinny girls who kick ass. This year there is a new Tinsel Town fetish: blatantly bad whiteys vs. noble, benevolent black folks. Not that this hasn’t been the standard in Hollyweird over the last 30 years, but lately they haven’t even tried to disguise it; it’s not hidden in the background, sneaked in subliminally nor part of the subplot – heck, it is the plot. Collateral is the second in a trilogy of “honkey mistreats homey” flicks (I, Robot is the first and Manchurian Candidate is the next one). Perhaps Hollyweird has come to the realization that we’ve all deciphered their game by now and they simply figure oh what the hell, let’s just go for it. Here is the plot of Collateral in a shortcut: heartless Caucasian hit man forces virtuous black cab driver to chauffeur as he makes his rounds callously leaving bloody bodies in his wake. Whacking and stacking ensues. The PC in Collateral screeches out like taxi tires making a left turn through a yellow light. In one scene, Cruise tie-wraps Foxx’s hands to the steering wheel so Foxx cannot drive away as Cruise goes into a building for his next hit. While Foxx’s hands are tied to the wheel, he gets the attention of a group of LA’s finest street wanderers by flashing the headlights and blowing the horn. Naturally, they come over and rob him instead of helping him out; and naturally these thugs are all young whiteys. That is the main fear of all cab drivers in LA; being robbed by white guys. Good thing there are no black and Hispanic gangs in LA that would do such a thing. Whether it is a high class businessman or a low class street punk, white folks are plainly dishonest and prone to violence. Whenever they have the chance, evil whiteys will take advantage of hapless minorities. Black folks are just not safe while whitey runs the show. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so. Memo to Hollyweird: “Blacks commit 90% of the approximately 1.7 million interracial crimes of violence that occur in the US every year and are 50 times more likely to commit violent crimes against whites than vice versa. When blacks commit violent crime, they target whites slightly more than 50% of the time. When whites commit violence they target blacks 2% to 3% of the time.” (Jared Taylor, The Color Of Crime) So where’s the movie about that Hollyweird? More PC leaks out like oil from a Checker Marathon when Cruise goes into his ahk-ting mode emoooting to us his background as to why he became a paid assassin. Cruise's soliloquy involves his drunken father slapping him around and otherwise generally abusing him. So you see, it’s not his fault he made the wrong choices in life; it’s his father’s fault. Bad Daddy! Bad bad bad! This “it’s all Daddy’s fault” excuse is getting tedious. It is the liberal’s way of saying, “Nothing I do can be blamed on me; I am not responsible for my actions.” In reality, there are plenty of heroic and successful people who hail from an unfortunate childhood. But in Hollyweird, they’re so busy doping themselves up on antidepressants (and doping their kids up as well) they cannot think straight – perhaps this is the reason most of them support John Kerry. Mo’ betta PC shines out like a busted headlight in the La La Land detective unit as they attempt to solve the string of murders. Only the Hispanic detective figures out Cruise’s modus operandi as the lackadaisical Caucasian detectives shrug their shoulders, yawn and go eat donuts. The Hispanic detective teams up with the big-time black prosecutor, and only then are they successful in convincing the donut-narfing Caucasian coppers that the bad guy is not the black cab driver. Impertinent Caucasians never take “minorities” seriously. Non-Caucasians (particularly “browns” and blacks) must work together to defeat the Evil Whitey. Never mind that Asians seem to succeed in America quite well, despite being less than 4% of the population (this is somehow a trick or they’ve been paid off). I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so. Well now … this looks like an opportunistic time to point out – again – that most Hispanics are, in a genetic sense, Caucasians. Tell that to your local muchacho holding a protest sign and stand back his cráneo detonars. As with all shoot-‘em-up thrillers, there are all kinds of implausibilities in Collateral. To begin with, Cruise is the dumbest “professional” hit man on record. What I mean is, he doesn’t seem to care about who sees him or what kind trail he leaves behind. He blasts bodies out windows, fires willy-nilly into a crowd, leaves his bag-o-gizmos lying around and puts his trust in a cab driver that he knows nothing about. It would’ve been more efficient to kill the cab driver and steal the cab for the night, or merely use different cabs or a rental car. Cruise doesn’t wear a disguise nor does he attempt to clean up any of his crime scenes. Man, I know of smarter ammeter hit men working for less in Chicago. Another implausibility is that Foxx has many chances to escape and he does not, nor does he try to gain the confidence of the hit man to gain an advantage – only at the end of the film does he figure out he is the man driving the machine; and by then it’s far too late. All that being said, there are some fun things to see in Collateral. See Tom Cruise with a Dorian Gray dye job. See Cruise pull some really cool bone-breaker karate moves. See Jamie Foxx swipe the “Handsome Black Leading Man” designation away from Denzel Washington. Lookout, Denzel; I’m smelling an OSCAR nomination dogfight here. Collateral has three of the five Bachelor B’s: Blood, Bashes and Bombs. No Beasts and no Breasts. Whassup with that, Jada Pinkett? Janet Jackson did it and look how it re-ignited her career. Hmmf … not even a wardrobe malfunction. So if you’ve been looking for a film that might make you forgive Cruise for the awful Eyes Wide Shut, then Collateral might be a good investment. I give Collateral three and a half Capitalist Dollar Signs (out of 5). $$$1/2 Hear
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