23 , 2004
Scene: Today; Cat's office. The door bursts open suddenly, and Polly Purecracker dashes in with Dudley DoGood (badge flashing, and fists flailing) close on her heels.
Polly: Help!!! Save me from this maniac!
Dudley: Stop in the name of the law, you vice-infested little bitch!
Cat: (Eyeing female canine and pompous do-gooder warily) Hold on, you two. What are you doing here, miss, and why did he follow you in here?
Polly: (Frantic) He says I broke the law, and I didn't do anything wrong! I guess I was looking for a place to call the police... (Polly hesitates thoughtfully) but it seems the police are the problem here. Know any respectable criminals I can call for protection from this authoritarian brute?
Dudley: Mobsters?! They specialize in theft, racketeering, and extortion, and terrorize innocent citizens, and you suppose they're going to protect you from decent, civilized lawpersons like me?
Cat: Now, why are you hounding this lass? She looks harmless to me.
Dudley: This 'lass,' as you call her, is a hardened criminal! In the park, she picked a flower on the endangered species list. Further, she polluted the environment by urinating on public property, and evaded arrest when I ran after her.
Polly: You pervert - you watched me? There was no one around - I was very discreet!!!
Dudley: (Smugly) We have surveillance cameras hidden all over the park, miss; we see everything.
Polly: GRRR! How can you be such a priggish voyeurist and sound sanctimonious about it?! What did you say about endangered flowers? I only picked one daisy, for my sweetheart...
Dudley: Daisies are on the endangered list now, because they're likely to go extinct - young maidens like to pick them and pull their petals off, saying "He loves me, he loves me not." It's cruelty to plant life, and a protected species at that!
Polly: When did this happen? I always pick a daisy for my sweetheart when I come here, but I never pull the petals off and I've never been treated like a criminal for it...
Dudley: That regulation passed last week, and we'll have new signs for the park next month.
Polly: Well, how was I supposed to know? I've come here once a week, and picked a daisy each time for the past three summers.
Dudley: (Scribbling furiously) Retroactive fines! That comes to $1,780,223.58... due yesterday, the grace period lasted 5 days after the law went into effect. Do you own any property?
Polly: You're a thief and extortionist!!! I want to speak to a mobster right away.
Dudley: You interrupted me before I got to the most serious charge! You were drinking a carbonated beverage in the park... I retrieved the can with your fingerprints on it as evidence, and this candy-bar wrapper. This is a family park, and I could charge you with contributing to the delinquency of minors if you got within 20 feet of a child with that soda or candy bar!
Polly and Cat, in spontaneous harmony: HUH?
Dudley: Oh, yes! The "Leave No Child Happy" bill passed just last week - the new "Daisy Preservation Act" was part of that bill. Not only are candy and soda prohibited in public, so are a whole list of words like "bang" and "gun." The only people who can say those words now are law enforcement people! (He triumphantly produces a scroll of prohibited words).
Cat: You must be joking. Taking candy from babies, and words straight out of adults' mouths? How do you plan to enforce these preposterous decrees?
Dudley: Joking is prohibited now too. Any mention of jokes will be interpreted as a serious threat to homeland security!!! Only terrorists question authorities like me. Good government, you're a domestic terrorist, aren't you?
(The notorious superhero Undergod flies through the window of the office to rescue sweet Polly from the bad guy, DoGood)
Undergod: Just in time! When bad people do good, no one is safe! I must save the day from the evil-doers of good!
Cat: Enough! Look at this mess! You, (to DoGood) get out of here right now or I'll call the mob in myself. [DoGood exits muttering about law and order and vowing to return with a search warrant to comb the place for evidence of mob connections.]
Polly: <Sob>... That cretin confiscated my daisy, Undergod, and now I can never pick one again.
Cat: Undergod, I'm glad you got here when you did but you'd better replace the window. Please get this poor girl home! I'd better hire a reputable mobster for protection before he comes back.
[Exit, Undergod and Polly]
(to self): Ack! It seems too confusing to differentiate between lawmen
and mobsters these days
from now on I think I'll call the ones in
uniform "lobsters." Hmm. Why, there doesn't seem to be a listing
for 'Mobster' in this phone book
oh, no! Who am I gonna call?
Catfarmer has her own website too! Lots of interesting things to see.