July 21, 2004

Cast:

Michael Moore (His Slobness) – writer, producer, protagonist, left wing reactionary, fat stupid white man.

Just as the movie started, I took a count of all the people in the theatre – there were 31. And this was opening night. There was me, my producer, Donna Darlin’, two normal-looking 20-somethings sitting right behind us and the other 27 people in the theatre I can only describe as freaks & geeks. From the very beginning of Moore’s propaganda parade the freaks & geeks (heretofore known as F&G’s) were nodding their noggins like bobblehead dolls in complete sycophantic agreement with anything and everything they saw. This is when it hit me; Michael Moore has found his niche – ripping off blind followers of the liberal mantra, George Dubya is an evil being and must be stopped before he kills the planet. If you believe Fahrenheit 9/11 is a factual-based documentary, then you also believe This Is Spinal Tap is a real documentary; and in that case I can give you a great deal on the purchase of the Brooklyn Bridge. No really; I’ll sell it to you cheap.

The dictionary defines “documentary” as: relating to or employing factual and objective documentation in literature or art.

The definition of propaganda is: the spreading of ideas, information, or rumor for the purpose of helping or injuring an institution, a cause, or a person.

Now do you bobbleheads get it?

As in Bowling For Columbine, Moore plays fast and loose with so many “facts” in F’ 9/11 it’s hard to know where to start. So let’s start at the beginning. F’ 9/11 opens with the 2000 Bush vs. Gore election night debacle. “Was it just a dream…” Moore laments as we see Al Gore the 2x4 on stage cavorting with rock stars and cheering Gorebians with balloons falling in front of a massive sign that reads “Florida Victory.” Moore creates the illusion that Al Gore the 2x4 is celebrating, because he thinks he’s won Florida, right? Wrong. In actuality, this rally took place about 1:00AM, six hours before the polls were even open. By the time Florida voters hit the polls, Al Gore the 2x4 was back in Tennessee for election day, because that’s where he is registered to vote – and later when the tally was in, Gore lost his home state of Tennessee to Dubya. Yeah, Mikey … it was just a dream. By the way, you conveniently left out the fact that in the 2000 election you backed Ralph Nader.

Al Gore the 2x4 is the real President. George Bush stole the election, because he is an evil conservative capitalist and that’s what evil conservative capitalists do. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so … in a real live “documentary,” no less.

Imagine the squealing from the left if someone made a real documentary showing Democrat vote-recounters eating chads, a dozen high-powered Democrat lawyers landing in Florida minutes after the polls closed and little old Jewish ladies from West Palm Beach lying about how they could not figure out the ballot and meant to vote for Gore (these same ladies have no problem controlling 25 BINGO cards at a time). Many of these Florida fibsters actually did vote for Pat Buchanan on purpose, and not mistakenly as they purported. In fact, in a previous election, Buchanan got just as many votes in that same area. Not to mention, the ballot was drawn up and certified by a leading Palm Beach County Democrat. So, as Clara Peller once said; “Where’s the beef?”

Moore PC slithers out of Moore’s imagination as we see black speakers testifying in the Senate as to how they were “disenfranchised” and “oppressed,” because many of their names were purged from the Florida voting records. Moore makes it look like these folks were not allowed to vote simply because they are black. Once again, F’ 9/11 does its favorite trick, which I call “Clinton-Speak.” Clinton-Speak is when you don’t tell the whole truth, purposely obfuscating by adding or subtracting key words so that the intended meaning gets convoluted. Example: “Ah did NOT … have … sexual … RELATIONS with that woman, Miss Lewinsky …” That’s right Billy, you did not have sexual relations with Monica, you had sex with Monica. Getting back to the disenfranchised voters, truth is that these names were taken off the Florida voter list, because they were listed as felons. The 1998 Miami mayoral election was tossed out, because hoards of felons were allowed to vote. Since then, Florida purged the felons from the list. The purged voters were notified months before the election and had ample opportunity to appeal. According to the West Palm Beach Post, thousands of felons were allowed to vote anyway, because word got out about the list. Somehow, Moore forgot to mention that in his schlockumentary.

The Republican Party is anti-black and goes to great lengths to stop black people from voting. Only the Democrats care about black folks. There are no black conservatives, and black Republicans are dupes and traitors to the ‘hood. I know this, because a fat guy in Hollyweird tells me so.

Probably the biggest falsification in F’ 9/11 is when Moore asserts that the Bush administration “ … flew Osama bin Laden’s family out of the country immediately after 9/11…and no one questioned it.” This gives the impression that Bin Laden family was allowed to fly when all other American planes were grounded. Not true. They left three days later after airspace restriction was lifted; the same day everyone else started flying again. Moore also states that no one in the Bin Laden family was held or questioned. What Moore purposely fails to mention is that 30 of the Saudi’s were questioned by the FBI before they left the USA. Not to mention that the decision to allow the Bin Ladens to leave came from Richard Clarke. Yes, that Richard Clarke; the disgruntled ex-employee Richard Clarke who was appointed by Bill Clinton. In fact, most of the FBI, CIA, and home-based security personnel were leftovers from the Clinton administration – remember, Bush had only been in office nine months when this all happened. I should also point out that the 9/11 Muslim terrorist attack was conceived and planned during the Clinton administration. I point that out, because Michael Moore somehow forgot to.

Imagine the caterwauling from the PC elites if all of Bin Laden’s relations and every member of the Saudi government were rounded up, sweated out under questioning and then the USA froze all their assets in America. The ACLU, Arab Anti-defamation League and all their ilk would have threatened to sue, hopped up and down with purple veins popping out of their necks on national TV and squalled that America is a RACIST NATION! Shame on America! Racial profiling! Racial profiling!

Bad racist Americans! Bad bad bad!

The most gut-wrenching part of F’ 9/11 is Moore’s shameful exploitation of the Lipscomb family. Mother Lipscomb’s son wrote a letter home about how much he misses his family and hates George Bush. Not long after he was killed in the war. She anguishes on the screen and our hearts go out to her. Moore portrays our entire American fighting force as either disillusioned, psychopathic or deceived. Fact is that in any war soldiers are homesick, frightened and agitated; and rightly so. But the majority of them are not nuts and have a keen sense of duty. They knew when they signed up that the Armed Services was not a summer jobs program.

Earlier in the schlocumentary, Moore shows pre-war Iraqi’s going merrily about their business, children frolicking in the parks and young people happily enjoying life in Iraq. Not a single mention of oppression under Saddam, not a single body hanging from a meathook and nary a peep about the many thousands of Iraqi’s tortured under Saddam’s brutal regime. Only when Evil America drops bombs on Iraq do we see the Iraqi’s in pain.

One thing I noticed in the film was that we never see a full shot of Moore; he’s always shot from the shoulders up. This is no doubt because the man has ballooned himself to well over 300 pounds. I saw photo’s of him at a film festival – dude is huge. Mikey got back – and front and everything else. And maybe it’s just me (and I’m certainly not perfect), but Michael Moore looks like a guy who smells bad. Seriously. Boy look stanky. Hey Mikey, I have two words for you: soap & shampoo. Try ‘em, Mikey, ya might like ‘em.

There are so many lies, fabrications, clever-edits and obfuscations in F’ 9/11 that if I named all the ones (that just I noticed) this review would be 90 pages long. So the question is why was F’ 9/11 released now? The answer is simple: so it can be released on video by September and shown on Television in late October, just in time for the alphabet networks to use the it’s just art pretext to air anti-Bush material. The other issue is, if the networks do that, will the Bush campaign demand equal time?

The line Moore draws here is clear: America bad; Iraq good. George Bush bad; Saddam Hussein good. Anyone Moore considers conservative bad; any loony lefty good.

F’ 9/11 has three of the Bachelor B’s: Blood, Bashes and Bombs. No Breasts and no Beasts – well, Moore himself is kind of beastly.

So if you don’t mind watching 2 hours of 60-second anti-Bush ads strung together, or you are a pasty-faced-spiral-eyed-granola-munching-bobblehead and you think you can tolerate the F&G’s in the theater, then F’ 9/11 might be something for you. Then again, maybe not, because F’ 9/11 commits the ultimate sin of any fiction movie – it’s boring.

I give F’ 9/11 one Capitalist Dollar Sign (out of 5).

$

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