June 21, 2004

Cast:

Dennis Quaid (Jack) – junk scientist.

Jake Gyllendaal (Sam) – son of junk scientist.

Emmy Rossum (Laura) – squeeze of son of junk scientist.

Kenneth Walsh (VP Becker) – Dick Cheney grumpalike.

Perry King (President Blake) – Al Gore lookalike, but without the recounts.

Lookout! The sky is falling! The sky is falling! New York City frozen in an ice age! La La Land torn up by tornadoes! Tokyo smashed by Godzilla-sized hail! We’re all gonna diiiiiiiee! But wait – who will be America’s savior? Why, the sacred third-worlders, of course. Oh … you thought I was talking about the movie The Day After Tomorrow? Nah; I was just reading the latest Democrat candidate talking points.

The Day After Tomorrow is Hollyweird’s latest propaganda project rushed into release just in time to pitch a “George Bush is ruining the planet” speech before the November election (I guess Botox is considered environmentally non-toxic these days). The problem is that the film totally backfires, drenching itself in nonsensical pseudo-science, cartoonish political characatures and the dumbest “smart people” you’ll ever see. I went to see this flick with a planetary climatologist from our local college, and she was not happy with it. In its attempt to blame rapid severe climate changes on evil white conservatives, Hollyweird blunders into making a mockery out of legitimate environmental concerns. It is, however, nice to see the streets of Manhattan finally get a good washing.

Here is the plot of TDAT in a environmentally friendly biodegradable nutshell: Because Evil Whitey will not listen to his intellectual superior elites from the consecrated halls of the world of academe, Mother Earth (not God, by gawd) rebels and wipes out Evil Capitalist Western Nations. Radical enviro-rubbish ensues.

TDAT is so literally immersed in a tidal wave of PC preposterousness that if I listed them all, this review would be longer than the Kyoto Treaty. Speaking of which, one of the junk-scientists glaring at a room of Evil Capitalist Whiteys mutters, “ … and they wouldn’t listen to us at the Kyoto Accord …” as the main contributing factor to the impending doomsday.

Human beings are ruining the planet. Not just any humans; Western Civilized Nations. And not just any Western Civilized Nations; America and her allies in planet destruction, Northern Europe. Evil Western Capitalists are at fault for all Mother Earth’s ecological ills. Humans are not part of nature; only duckies, kitties and birdies are. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so.

The real reason the United States would not sign the farcical “Kyoto Protocol” is that it would have accomplished nothing except costing The United States billions of dollars. Big time polluters like India, Brazil, Mexico and China were considered exempt. Kyoto was nothing but a United Nations attempt at imposing a one-world-guv’mint tax upon capitalist nations – the USA in particular. The liberal/socialist thought is, “Some nations are not as successful as others, so therefore forced income redistribution is the right thing to do, because we, The Elites, know best.”

More PC pabulum is pushed in the “Let’s all try to stay warm in the Library” scene. To stay warm, our li’l cluster of geek survivors burns books for heat. One frightened character refuses to burn a copy of the Bible; clutching it fearfully to his breast. “Ya think GOD is going to save you?” sneers a snotty geek. Hey; it wouldn’t be a Hollyweird propaganda picture without a dose of Christian bashing. After all, none of this would’ve happened if not for those horrible westernized Christian nature-destroying bigots, now would it?

Global warming / nuclear winter proves there is no God. Praying to God for help is silly; (unless of course your God is the American Injun God of the Winds-n-Trees, Buddha or anything not associated with modern Western culture). A bad situation can only change by paying homage to the real higher power, benevolent Big Brother Guv’mint. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so.

Imagine the caterwauling from the left if the man was clutching a Koran to his breast and someone sneered at him, “Ya think Allah is going to save you? Hah!”

Then there is Hollyweird’s feeble attempt at slamming Bush and Cheney directly. The President is obviously supposed to be Dubya-influenced (even though he looks more like Al Gore the 2x4) and the VP is a dead ringer for Dick Cheney. When trouble hits, the President, fresh in from a golf outing, looks befuddled and turns to Cheney – er, “VP Becker” – and flusters, “I dunno … whattaya think we should do?” They might as well had had him say, “Think we oughta use one-a them there nuke-ya-ler weapons?” Earlier in the film we see noble scientists trying to warn our Dubya-n-Dick lookalikes that there will be doom, doom and even more DOOM. Naturally, the Pres’ and VP won’t listen, because after all, they’re white guys doing business and we all know how stupid, incognizant and selfish they are.

Bad Bush and Cheney! Bad bad bad!

Mo’ betta PC is portioned out when the witless, frightened and panicky American general public flees south to run from the killer freeze. For once we get to see the USA/Mexico border flooded in reverse. As the Mexican border officials (there are some?) stand guard at the gates of Mexico, thousands of Americans storm the gates for entry to Mexico’s warmer clime. The PC message here is clear: the third world nations will save us from ourselves.

Citizens of poor, third world nations are caring, nurturing and pure at heart. They will forgive us for being mean and cruel to them. America is the cause for third world suffering, but they will forgive us, because they are better people than we are. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so.

There are more plot implausibilities in TDAT than there are ozone holes in the head of a tree-hugger. First off there are the giant super-storms themselves, with their uncanny ability to transform people into Bird’s Eye frozen vegetables in a manner of seconds. Then Daddy treks off North to get his son in New York City, with absolutely no plan on how to help once he gets there. Let’s not forget the symbolic book burning in the NYC Library – why burn books when the place is loaded with wooden furniture? Later, the library survivors go on a quest for antibiotics without initially checking for first-aid kits in the library – anyone knows every large public building in NYC has a first-aid kit. Then there is the fact that “Jake’s” gal pal seems to have stolen Angelina Jolie’s smootchy collagen lips.

All that being said, there are lots of fun things to see in TDAT. Cheer as a tornado tosses the famed HOLLYWOOD sign around like it was Alpha Bits. Giggle as Dennis Quaid attempts pseudo-intelligent techno-speak; “I believe we’ve reached the critical desalinization point …” (excuse me … bwaa-hahahahahahahaaaaa!). Root aloud as a randy TV weatherman gets vacuumed into oblivion by a twister (and who hasn’t wished for the comical demise of an obnoxious weatherman at least once?). Nod your head in agreement as the library geeks decide to burn the US Tax Code.

And here’s the PC piece de resistance; possibly the most obvious anti-Western culture PC line ever muttered on film. The last line of the movie, after the storm is over, high above in a near-orbit space station, an astronaut looks out his window to see that all of Europe and most of the United States are covered with a sheet of ice. Noticeably spared are Africa, South America and Central America. The astronaut looks at the newly changed planet and says, “Wow … have you ever seen the air so clear?”

That pretty much says it all right there, doesn’t it? Imagine the squealing from the left if the astronaut looks out the window to see Africa, South America and Mexico destroyed (the USA and Europe spared) and says, “Well THAT should really clear things up on the planet, eh?”. The UN (useless nations) would sanction it, put a world tax on it and Hollyweird would shove it to the back of the shelf. Then the director would be blacklisted and the actor who spoke the likes would be thrown in the Gulag.

TDAT has four of the five Bachelor B’s: Blood, Beasts, Bashes and Bombs. No Breasts – three hundred degrees below zero is not the greatest conditions for bopping around butt-nekkid, but it would’ve been interesting ... let’s not go there.

I give The Day After Tomorrow two and a half Capitalist Dollar Signs (out of 5).

$$½

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