June 07, 2004

Cast:

Brad Pitt (Achilles) – down boy; heel!

Orlando Bloom (Paris) – aptly named; no wonder he’s a sissy.

Eric Bana (Hector) – baby sitter for sissy boy.

Brian Cox (Agamemnon) – don’t even think about gettin’ some strange with his wife.

Peter O’Toole (King Priam) – looks embarrassed to be here.

Diane Kruger (Helen of Troy) – the face that launched a thousand trophy wives.

(sung to the tune of “My Favorite Things” [Sound of Music])

Sweaty Greek soldiers in dry dusty weather;

Stabbing and jabbing by hotties in leather;

Cranky old Kings and the Greek Army line:

Never no ne’er leave your buddies behind.

Why does Hollyweird even attempt to do history? Then again, is the story of Troy history, or merely a parable? Hmm … now my head hurts. Troy is the latest Hollyweird war mega-epic on a Herculean scale. There is more sword clanging, arrow shooting and grunt grunting in this film than in Braveheart, Lord Of The Rings and Gladiator combined; and even that doesn’t save it. At least those afore mentioned films kept the chitchat to a necessary minimum. Troy is The Iliad For Dummies with a few 1980’s mullet hairdo’s thrown in for good measure. It might also be subtitled: Homer Meets The Chippendales. Of course if you go in to any publik skool or state funded “institution of higher learning” and ask, “Who is Homer?” The response you’ll get is “Simpson?” Homer Simpson … now that’s a poet.

Here’s the plot of Troy in a dolmadakia: Spoiled Wimpy Boy steals Trophy Wife from Old Rich Guy. Old Rich Guy answers with some major gaidaros-kickin’. This brings up the question that bugs the hell out of the NOW (Not Ordinarily Women); how come you never see a pretty young thing with an old poor guy? So much for we are wimmin hear us roar. Multitudinous testosterone demonstrations ensue.

Greek factoid: the industrious Greeks are credited with inventing the catapult, boat anchor, coin-operated automat, lighthouse, alarm clock, shock absorber, dice and about 10 zillion other things we use every day.

“War is young men dying and old men talking,” says one of the Troy boys. Another soldier says, “Don’t waste your time following some fool’s orders.” This is Hollyweird’s way of exercising their favorite pastime; hammering away at President Dubya. Where were the anti-war and “Our Rulers are stupid” flicks from Hollyweird during Presibubba Clinton’s reign? Hell, if some foreigner had run off with Slick Willie’s wife, he would’ve given that nation free American financial aid for eternity … oh yeah; we already do that last part, don’t we?

War is stupid and useless. There is no reason to fight a war. All we need do is sit down with our adversaries, hold hands, roast marshmallows and sing Kum-By-Ya. Then they will be our friends, we can all have a group hug and be blessed by the United Nations. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so.

More PC spurts out like crimson from a sword wound with Hollyweird’s regular dose of Christian bashing. Now you may be thinking, “How can one Christian-bash in a film that takes place 1000 years before the birth of Christ?” The answer is simple; show the most violent, corrupt and stupidest characters in the film evoking the name of The God of this and The God of that every time they want to do something violent, corrupt or stupid. Hollyweird hopes the audience will equate this with modern religious leaders – particularly TV preachers (come to think of it, most of the characters in Troy do talk like Herbert W. Armstrong). The most powerful character in the film, Achilles, flaunts his non-respect for religion as he lops off the head of a religious statue – and this is the hero of the film. The message here is clear: to be the best you must mock God(s). However, Greek mythic tales are not sacred texts; they are stories. Many ancient historians argue about the significance of these narratives, as to whether they represent religious dogma or merely entertainment. This is Hollyweird’s view of religion – especially Christianity – in general.

Greek factoid: Homer is thought to have been blind. Busts of him feature blank staring eyes.

Religion is the opiate of the masses (American Indians talking to the trees and winds excepted). Deity worship was silly in ancient times; it is sillier today. The only true higher power is the benevolent Big Brother Guv-mint. Only Big Brother Guv’mint can make your life better. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so.

Then there is the whole idea of any king anywhere being stupid enough to drag a big wooden box created by his sworn enemies inside his protected city gates. And before you readers of the classics get your leather tunics in a bunch, I know the story of the Trojan Horse – the first stealth weapon – but ancient writings never give the dimensions of the fabled horse, so we’ll never know how big it really was nor how many soldiers it held … if it ever existed at all, and if Achilles was inside it. But Hollyweird would like you to think it is an established fact. Why? Because to them it is proof positive that Evil Whitey is not only inherently violent and corrupt, but that he is stupid, as well.

Bad stupid Whitey! Bad bad bad!

Greek factoid: Ancient Greek athletes usually performed barefoot and nude, or in full armor.

As with all ancient hero yarns, Troy has legions of implausibilities. When Achilles goes to the front gates of his enemies to avenge the death of his li’l buddy, he stands there in the open in front of hundreds of archers. They know who he is. One flurry of arrows and Achilles is toast; then the whole conflict is over before it starts. Then there are the many scenes of Viking-style funerals – the kind where the body is placed atop a giant pile of lumber and torched. Problem is that they are on the beach nowhere near a large supply of wood. Then there is the fact that most of the warriors look well fed and direct from the gym, complete with Kurt Cobain haircuts. Maybe it’s because there is no junk food and no shampoo available. And then there is “Helen” herself; the source of all the conflict. She’s a cutie, alright; but she sure doesn’t look Greek. She looks more like a Swedish Bikini model.

If you view the whole thing with a sense of humor, there are lots of fun things to see in Troy. See Brad Pitt strike numerous bodybuilder poses with his new and improved biceps, triceps and abs. See where Michael Jordan got that famous spread-eagle slam-dunk (obviously, MJ is a student of Achilles – or did they just share the same coach?). See Achilles fight numerous battles with nary a nick on his lady-killer mug, only to get an arrow shot right through his … well you know what. See rustic old British character ahk-tors chew up the scenery as their younger counterparts drolly read cue-card lines. See Peter O’Toole steal the show (doesn’t he always?). See Greek soldiers talk like Klingons. See 12, 947 references to immortality. See more women in togas than at any frat party. See Orlando Bloom get the lifetime achievement award for wussiness. See a $200 million Hollyweird mega-project attempt to recoup its investment through DVD sales.

Greek factoid: When Greek mathematicians first proved the square root of two is an irrational number, they celebrated by sacrificing 100 oxen.

Troy has three of the 5 Bachelor B’s: Blood, Bashes and Bombs. No Breasts and no Beasts. Although there is one giant wooden Trojan scheme … you can make your own Trojan/woody joke there, folks.

I give Troy two and a half Capitalist Dollar Signs

$$½

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Troy