Hugh Jackman (Van Helsing) – kinda like Van Halen but with really cool weapons.
Kate Beckinsale (Anna) – nice face, great jugs, bad accent.
Richard Roxburgh (Dracula) – a real sucker.
David Wenham (Carl) – Friar gets jiggy wit’ it.
Kevin J. O’Connor (Igor) – the original Democrat lobbyist.
Shuler Hensley (Frankenstein’s Monster) – like Ah-Nold, but off his diet.
Limp-wristed feelm crit-teeks have squealed their distaste for Van Helsing, because they go to the movies to see ahk-tors emooooting and they think you do, too. To the see-nee-maa elitists (who know what you want more than you do) everything has to be a Woody Allen talking head boorfest. They are way too out of it to understand what you want is vampires, werewolves and assorted creeps in an old fashioned freak fest; crashing, smashing and teeth gnashing. You want a monster mash, dammit! Van Helsing has also been taken to task by the trendy coffee shop cabal for campiness, corny dialogue and silly comic relief scenes. This, of course, is the exact modus operandi of such classic monster movies as Dracula (1931), The Wolf Man (1941) and Frankenstein (1931). This ain’t Shakespeare, bub, and it’s not intended to be. Van Helsing is Indiana Jones meets Ghostbusters on acid. So grab a super-size tub o’ popcorn laced with heart stopping buttery goop and hang on as Van Helsing puts the pedal to the metal and doesn’t look back for two hours of manic monster mayhem. You may want to save two big juicy butter-globs to use as earplugs, because Van Helsing is possibly the noisiest soundtrack since Howard Dean’s last campaign party – and that truly was scary.
Here is the plot of Van Helsing in a coffin shell: The Vatican wants to whack Drac and VH is their hit man. That’s it. Macho mucho monster massacring ensues.
The PC in Van Helsing pops out like back-hair on a werewolf at full moon. Firstly, there is The Vatican as the headquarters for back room secret society assassins. Later in the film, direct orders from The Pope are for VH to kill Frankenstein’s monster, even though it is obvious that “Franky Jr.” literally has done nothing wrong. He may be butt-ugly and have a questionable origin, but hey, nobody’s perfect. Nevertheless, The Vatican heartlessly orders the big oaf’s demise.
Christians are inherently evil; particularly Catholics (Hispanic Catholics excepted). The Vatican is hiding things – seeeecret things that would set the oppressed minorities of the world free, but the Evil Whiteys in the Vatican catacombs have secluded this magical info away. Christians refusal to recognize Big Brother Guv’mint as the only true higher power is proof that they are racist-sexist-bigot-homophobes. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so.
Imagine the caterwauling from the anti-Christian left if instead of a church being the hideout of secret assassins, it was a Jewish temple. That could never be, you see, because to Hollyweird, only the Christians have ulterior motives for existence. To mock Christianity is artistic license; to poke fun at any other religion (particularly any religion populated predominantly by non-Caucasians) is mean-spirited blasphemy. Imagine the liberal yowling if the monsters were creations of hateful Muslims – nah … that would never happen in real life (can you say “evening news?”).
Mo’ creepy PC sprouts out like fangs in vampire dentin with the whole idea of the French being heroic enough to tackle evil. I mean, seriously; when was the last time you can remember the French being heroic? Napoleon may have been the last Frenchman with any balls at all, and he died in 1820 – 60 years before this film takes place. Besides, Van Helsing is a German name; and y’all know how tough they are.
France, along with any other nation that hates America, is magnanimous; unlike the brutish and pompous USA. The French would be even more perfect if they hated America and were not Caucasian. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so.
Then there is the issue of the Christian Cross and the Bible having no effect on Dracula. How PC is that? Back in the day, every bloodsucking nightflyer would cringe at the sight of The Cross; often to the point of turning and running away. But not this vamp, no sirree; he only finds it mildly irritating. So basically, other than hiring a hit man, Christianity is about useless here.
Bad ineffective Christian symbols! Bad bad bad!
Remember when Hollyweird was HollyWOOD and when there was a fight between good and evil, Christianity was the good guy? Now the good guy is man-made technology – so who needs God anymore?
Like any film of this genre, the implausibilities are legion. First off is the massive amount of physical punishment our hero can take, which dwarfs Ah-Nold, Stallone and Jackie Chan altogether. Then there is the idea of plunging into icy cold lakes in the dead of winter without a single shiver. You try that and you’re in the hospital with hypothermia. Ditto with standing out in the frosty cold air and not seeing your breath. Speaking of not seeing things, Dracula’s butt-nekkid bat-wives have had their nipples airbrushed off – you can thank Janet Jackson for that. Ditto for men changing from huge werewolves back to normal sized men while still wearing the same pair of pants. Them Wrangler stretch-to-fit slacks shore do make life a bit more comfy, don't they?
Another plot oxymoron (would that be a “ploxymoron?”) is the fact that Dracula seeks to (what else) TAKE OVER THE WORLD. No one has the sense to inform Drac (nor does he figure it out himself) that if he does, in fact, succeed in wiping out the human race he will have nothing left to eat. He would starve to death – a victim of his own copious success. This is the same thoughtless idiocy that prompts screechy tree-huggers to exclaim, “The loggers are trying to cut down all the trees … whaaaa!” If they did that, they’d be out of business, you socialist knucklehead. Do liberals think before they speak? Do they think at all?
Later, our heroes search for the cure to lycanthropy, which only Dracula has stored in a bigass syringe. I think there is a John Kerry/Botox connection here, but I’ll leave that up to you.
Side thoughts: why is there always a convenient rope to swing on anytime someone wants to make a hasty exit? Where did Drac get those annoying evil Ewoks? Why does Drac need more than one wife – is Drac a Mormon? Is it ever sunny in Transylvania? Why is there always a thunder and lightning storm every time someone wants to do a Frankenstein experiment? Just askin’.
This brings us to Frankenstein’s Monster, “Franky Jr.,” who has been updated with neato electric and hydraulic parts. This loveable lummox has a permanent buzz in his head, which makes him the envy of every stoner this side of the 60’s. However, what is not explained is just why everyone hates him so much. Compared to people like Babwa Stweissand, Franky Jr. ain’t even all that ugly and he’s a helluva lot friendlier. The claim is made by the Evil Vatican Whiteys that he is a “… blasphemic abomination; an attempt by man to play God (sic).” Now listen here, you buncha tight-butts; Franky Jr. is a creation of God. He is, in fact, “… parts of seven men” reactivated with a little lightning bolt jump start – and who among us hasn’t need that at least once after a wild Saturday night? Following the parochial rules of the tight-butts, that would mean every time I toss a TV dinner into my microwave, I’m committing an affront to God. Heck, all I want is my chicken ala king nice and hot.
The Christian church is rooted in intolerance. Christianity is a religion populated by bad people, bigots and losers. I know this, because Hollyweird (and Ted Turner) tells me so.
All that being said, Van Helsing has a lot of fun stuff to see. It’s been a long time since anyone put all our fave fiends on the screen at once. The trick is that the movie moves along so quickly you never have time to ponder whether it really sucks or what. This is a great maneuver by the director who also did The Mummy, Steven Sommers; a guy the feelm crit-teeks vehemently despise. Of course, they hate anyone who has any fun in film. God help us we should be entertained once in a while and not preached to.
Mo’ betta side note: One of Drac’s flying, nippleless wives, “Verona,” played by ahk-tress Silvia Collica really will be the bride of Dracula (Richard Roxburgh) when the two get hitched in September. I hope she gets her nipples back on.
Van Helsing has 4 of the 5 Bachelor B’s: Blood, Beasts, Bashes and Bombs. No Breasts. After all, you can show bathtubs of blood, body parts flying all over, etc; but if you show nipples you get fined by the FCC. Dang that Janet Jackson anyway.
Consider it this way, Van Helsing is what would happen if you injected crystal meth into your Gameboy. It’s brainless bloodsucking fun.
I give Van Helsing four Capitalist Dollar Signs (out of 5)