If It Can Go Wrong...It Will - by Bob Wallace - Price of Liberty
If It Can Go Wrong...It Will
by Bob Wallace

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May 10, 2004

So Dubya and his crew of dimbulbs are scratching their heads over all the the problems in Iraq. Goodness. A four-year-old child could have told them their screwball ideas wouldn't work. So, as Groucho Marx said, someone get a four-year-old child!

Have none of the people in the administration ever heard of Murphy's Law? "If something can go wrong, it will"? Or in their hubris do they believe they are immune from mistakes? Apparently, they do.

So, in the spirit of educating them and improving their morals, I will give them a list of easily-memorized laws, to save them from making these embarrassing mistakes next time. Of course, all of us know they won't listen. They never do.

First, we have the aforementioned Murphy's Law: "If something can go wrong, it will." Why? Because people are imperfect. Every one of us.

This inherent imperfection in humanity is something that all legitimate religions have taught for thousands of years. Yet, those in charge of the State always think they are immune from human imperfection. They aren't, no matter how much they delude themselves are they.

Here's the first law, one that every child should be taught before kindergarten.

Bob's Law: The State is not your friend. Collorary: It's a monster!

How anyone can argue with that is beyond me. Occasionally someone will tell me, "Well, the government has done some good things," as if its stopped-clock, every-once-in-a-while rightness makes up for 177 million murdered people in the 20th century. Or is it 200 million? Who knows? Who ever kept track of peasants?

The I Can't Tell the Difference Between God and the Devil Law: All nations and tribes think God is on their side. Collorary: Satan is on the other guy's side.

There is a bit of humor in the horror of both sides pointing fingers at the other and saying, "God's on my side! Nyah! Nyah! The Devil's on yours!"

It reminds of a the scene in the movie, Love at First Bite, where Richard Benjamin (who's playing Van Helsing) and George Hamilton (who's playing Dracula) are sitting across a table from each other, each saying, "You're getting sleepy!" "No, I'm not getting sleepy! You're getting sleepy!" They did it for a long time, although not for thousands of years.

The Eternal Law of War Propaganda: The enemy is not human. Collorary: They're collateral damage.

But if each side thinks the other are non-human, then where are the humans?

The Law of Pinky and the Brain: The enemy will always conquer the world unless he conks his head first, which he always will.

Every time one nation goes to war, it always claims the enemy is not only going to conquer them, but the world. Sheesh, that's straight out of cartoons! No one's ever conquered the world in all of history! Those who have tried have always failed, and failed big-time. They're gone, all of them.

The Prophets without Honor Law: True patriots are always called traitors.

It's pretty obvious where that one came from.

Smedley Butler's Law: All wars are rackets. Collorary: Those who start wars get rich. Those who fight them die.

Heck, if I have to fight, I want to come back with my pockets filled with boodle. If it's okay for people like Dubya, Dick "Five Deferments" Cheney and Richard Perle to get all the swag without fighting, then it's okay for the soldiers actually going the fighting and dying.

Politicians' Law: Politicians are lower than child molesters. Collorary: It's for the children.

Child molesting is illegal. Some day, I hope, so will politicians.

Cooper's Law: All machines are amplifiers. Collorary: It doesn't matter if what they amplify is good or bad.

All machines just amplify our natural abilities. A missile with a warhead is just a big fist that can go hundreds of miles and smack hundreds of the enemy right in the nose. But just because we do that doesn't make it right. Unless, of course, one believes in the pagan values of "Might makes right."

Chickenhawk's Law: You fight. I'll stand on the sidelines and give directions. Collorary: (Wilmer's Law): The cheaper the punk, the gaudier the patter.

Wilmer Cook was the gunsel in The Maltese Falcon, played by Elisha Cook. He was a tiny man, who in his role carried two enormous long-barreled .45s to make up for how insignificant he was. Sam Spade (Humphrey Bogart) saw straight through Wilmer, hence his comment to him. It applies to all chickenhawks, who run their mouths to cover the fact all are cowards.

Limbaugh's Law: The military? Sorry. I have a boil on my butt. (See Chickenhawk's Law). I don't need to go into this one in any detail, do I?

Hatemail Law: Thank God for these anonymous names!

The Hatemail Law is related to the Chickenhawk's Law. Both are based on the idea of hiding at a distance and attacking other people.

Sheeple's Law: Our leaders know what they're doing.

Sheeple's Law is related to Pinky and the Brain's Law. Some people, who want to conquer the world, are Brain. Then we have Pinky, who is a symbol for all the sheeple.

Freeper's Law: I am not stoopid!

Oh, yes you are! This is related to one I call Scott's Law: the smart understand the stupid a lot better than the stupid understand the smart. It's also related to the Stoopid Law: the stupid never know they're stupid, but instead think they're smart.

Such simple laws, all of them. Many are just common sense, which of course politicians and their supporters are lacking.

My favorite law, though, is Cole's Law: thinly sliced cabbage.

Editor's note: Thanks to Bob Wallace for a nice plug (The Good, the Not-So-Good, and the Really, Really Ugly) at Lew Rockwell! See Bob's archives there.

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