April 30, 2004

No sooner had I published an article about the spelling of Osama bin Laden, changed by Dick Clarke, the 9/11 commission, and now Bob Woodward to "Usama bin Laden," than one of my readers sent me an email saying: "It is correctly USAma. He's a CIA asset boogie man that has cost us a lot of money to put in place. Good enemies are really expensive. That's why he's still out there. Bush needs him and Condi cleared that all up today."

Personally, I think "UBL" died of kidney failure a long time ago and is being kept alive like the legend of Zorro for the appropriate time when, just before elections, the Bush administration will pull something like the final scenes of the movie "Dave" and claim a great victory.

At least, I hope that's the only dirty trick that Bush has up his sleeve to assure reelection. The other possibilities are too horrible to think about, especially since our fearless leader is hiding things and almost daily it seems more and more probable that he and his band of merry men not only knew about the attacks beforehand but were implicit in the horrid events of 9/11.

How else do you explain the fact that our intelligence forces, the very same people who missed the collapse of Russia and the terrorist training in our own land, were able to pinpoint UBL and the al Qaeda as the culprits within hours of the event?

Since we've supposedly been after this single evildoer ever since then, it seems reasonable to ask where our renowned Delta Force, Special Ops, and other covert activities have been all this time. Aren't these the super forces capable of penetrating enemy strongholds and wiping out bad guys or is that just a Hollywood pipedream?

In view of recent events, it's obvious that we should have hired the Israelis to do the job. Maybe they'll help us after they take care of Yassar Arafat.

Anyone who believes that we are less vulnerable than we were prior to September 11, 2001, doesn't understand administratium. In his book "Against All Enemies" Dick Clarke aptly put it; "As I would discover, turf battles could derail even the best efforts at counter terrorism, and (as Tom Ridge would much later demonstrate) it is easier to waste time on bureaucratic reorganization than it is to accomplish anything concrete."

There are so many contradictions and examples of hypocrisy in America's current situation, both internal and international, that there isn't room for much more than making a joke of it all. It's a way to try to preserve one's sanity in a nation of insanity and greed.

In that light, here's one from the scientific world. It's not mine. It's from author or authors unknown:

Administratium

A major research institute has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named "Administratium."

Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization, in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."

You will know it when you see it.

Source of Administratium

Scientists have released the secret of the source of Administratium; Administratium is refined from a repulsive amorphous material similar to a thick petroleum tar but much more viscous and sticky. This substance is known as Bureaucratite.

Bureaucratite should be avidly avoided as it almost completely freezes progress. Anything unfortunate enough to venture into a deposit of Bureaucratite is instantly trapped and becomes entirely coated with the bituminous mess, although it may take weeks or months to sink out of sight into a deposit. Many creatures, long extinct, have been discovered within such quagmires but better preserved than those found in ice or tar pits.

Extraction from a deposit, should one be so lucky, is always excruciatingly long and painful and rarely completely successfully. Many unfortunates are haunted by innocuous bits of the stuff which always turn up in the most unexpected places and inconvenient times. People unlucky enough to have been exposed to Bureaucratite have exhibited dangerously raised blood pressures, heart rates and bodily temperatures along with extremes of emotion.

Opinion

Perhaps the most ludicrous of all is the current idea that we've liberated Iraq in order to bring democracy and peace to the region when, at home, we are giving up liberties right and left while for years we ourselves have been choosing between the lesser of two evils and this year the oligarchy has delivered us the choice between an oil or a ketchup dynasty. Who will finance elections in Iraq and are we going to insist that they have an Electoral College?

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