March 01, 2004

Cast:

James Caviezel (Jesus) – prophet, teacher, rebel with a cause.

Maia Morgenstern (Mary) – more than just your average soccer mom.

Hristo Naumov Shopov (Pontius Pilate) – clean hands, not-so-clean conscience.

Luca Lionello (Judas) – hangs around for just a short time.

Rosalinda Celentano (Satan) – evil white guy/girl/whatever.

Never have I seen a media frenzy like this over a film. The closest would be the hype and hoopla over The Exorcist (oddly enough) 31 years ago. Even before The Passion was released, the anti-Christian forces were in full battle gear. Limp-wristed feelm crit-teeks were all in a blue snit, along with their secular kin and certain Jewish organizations, because one of Hollyweird’s biggest stars, Mel Gibson, had the moxie to tell the story of Christ as written in the New Testament. How DARE he?! And if you’ve been watching the TV blabfests, you may have noticed that there is very little difference between the wacko religious zealots who scream for the death of Jesus in the movie and the wacko media zealots who are currently screaming at Mel Gibson. Do these same leftist Christian-haters who are howling for The Passion’s removal from the theatres also going to demand the New Testament be removed from The Bible? Bottom line, you liberal whiners, if you didn’t like the book, you ain’t gonna like the movie.

Here’s a warning for all the parents: The Passion IS NOT a film for children. This is not Ben Hur, The Ten Commandments or one of those “Jesus Will Save You” videotapes dropped on your doorstep by a Jehovah’s Witness. Not even close. The Passion is, without a doubt, the most intense, graphic depiction of a man being tortured that has ever been put on film. There is more blood and pain in this film than all the slasher flicks ever made times ten – and this is not goofy tomfoolery with Freddy and Jason; this is realistic, gutwrenching suffering. If you are a Christian or a believer, this movie will stab you right in the guts. If you are not a believer, this movie will stab you right in the guts. Either way, you will walk out of the theatre two hours later feeling as though you have been scourged and crucified.

That being said, this is a must see film for adults, if for no other reason than it is unique because it is not sanctioned by the Hollyweird liberal majority and yet this flick will break box office records everywhere. Gibson himself ponied up the production costs to the tune of $25 million. On its opening day it pulled in almost $27 million – on a Wednesday. So take THAT, Hollyweird. Besides, this is the first time the words “movie” and “crucifixion” have been used in the same sentence since the opening night of Gigli.

Now, you may think that in a film so intrinsically politically incorrect as The Passion, there would be no PC nonsense. D’oLeM! (Aramaic for “wrong”) All the characters in the film have skin tones that are consistent with the geographic area of Jerusalem. In essence, everyone is a dark Caucasian; as in Persian/Arab/Middle Eastern – whatever term you chose. There are even black folks milling about. But there is one white character; and guess who that is … could it be … Satan?! Yep; Beelzebub himself is a whiter-than-white whitey.

White-skinned folks are just plain diabolical, and that’s that. You just can’t trust ‘em. The whiter they are, the more likely they are to be evil. If there is a Satan, he/she/it is a whitey for sure. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so.

Imagine the yowling from the liberals if Satan was portrayed in The Passion by a black man. Worse yet, a black woman. Let’s go way out there and visualize the squealing from the left if Gibson cast an Oriental person as Lucifer. Ooooh-weeee! Don’t even think it or the Thought Police (ACLU – Anti-Christian Loony Union) will be knocking at your window.

To Gibson’s credit, Lucifer looks suitably creepy in an albino androgynous Sinead O’Connor kind of way. Satan is also the second person we see on screen; second only to Jesus Himself. Gibson’s message here is clear: the power of Evil is great, but it takes a back seat to the power of Good. Nice touch, Mel; let’s do lunch, babe.

More PC aries out of The Passion with the idea that all Roman soldiers were uneducated, sadistic psychopaths. For all the kwetschning about this flick being “anti-semitic,” it’s the Romans who are portrayed as the worst of the worst. Not only do they relentlessly brutalize Jesus and giggle about it, but they also push the Jews around just for snicks.

Bad Romans! Bad bad bad!

In reality, the Romans were badasses, but they were also skilled road builders, masons, cobblers, ironworkers, etc. The soldiers were extra tough. If you were caught sleeping on guard duty during wartime, the penalty was death. If your unit somehow embarrassed itself in battle, it was decimated; which meant that one out of every ten members of your unit was selected to be clubbed to death by the rest of the Army. Yeesh. Teamwork was essential, to say the least.

So where’s the regulation Hollyweird Christian bashing (other than tormenting Jesus Himself)? Hey, that’s not easy to do when the movie takes place pre-Christianity. So the bashing takes place surrounding the film. Gibson put his own money into The Passion because no one in Hollyweird would touch it and now Hollyweird is extra incensed because this may be the biggest movie cash cow in cinema history and it all goes to Mel. And when The Passion leaves the theatres, it will doubtlessly be the number one rental and for sale DVD of all time. Know what puts the liberal’s panties in an even tighter bunch? When asked why he made this film, Gibson replied, “God told me to (sic).” Uh-oh Mel … now ya got ‘em really mad.

God is not the Higher Power, Big Brother Guv’mint is – there is no higher power than benevolent government. The Christian God is false and Christianity is for losers. I know this, because Hollyweird (and Ted Turner) tells me so.

Remember Scorsese’s The Last Temptation Of Christ? It depicted Jesus having sex, getting violent and generally being a nasty man. Where was the liberal caterwauling then? The same folks who are screeching, “Anti-Semitism! Anti-Semitism!” now said nothing back then. And surprise-surprise-surprise, Scorsese’s film was Hollyweird funded and distributed. I guess in Hollyweird, it’s okay to be sacrilegious and blasphemous about Christianity, but it’s not okay to be anti-Semitic. I see … hmm … oy vey.

Maybe Mel was ordered by God to create The Passion as a penance for Lethal Weapon 4.

Mel Gibson has a good eye; hence there are a lot of great things to see in The Passion. Look for Boo! Oooga-booga! Satanic flashes. Look for lots of misty, ageless background scenery. Look for the “he who has not sinned cast the first stone” scene; a slo-mo work of art not seen since Sam Peckinpah. Look for a creepy nose-maggot on Mr./Mrs./Ms./whatever Satan.

The Passion does have some technical boo-boos you can look for; perhaps something fun to do in a movie far too riveting to be considered “fun.” Watch for Jesus’ eyes to change from brown to green to hazel, then back again. Watch for Jesus’ right eye injury to change shape; first it’s puffed up, then it’s not, then it is again. Look for a very funny flashback where Jesus builds a dinner table and his Mother doesn’t understand the concept of a dinner chair; “It’ll never catch on,” she admonishes. Then there is the plethora of yucky yellow teeth on all the bad peasants, but not the nice peasants. Jesus and Mary are poor, too, but they have nice straight white teeth. Perhaps there was a dentist in the family – after all, they’re Jewish, aren’t they?

Come to think of it, when was the last time you saw a Jewish carpenter? Yeah yeah yeah … write me letters.

Possibly the worst technical boo-boo was done by Mel in the editing room. Mel edited out the scene where Jewish elders decry, “His blood be on us and our children…” (Matthew 27:25) Nice capitulation to pressure from fringe groups, Mel. Don’t call me, I don’t want to do lunch anymore, babe.

And to those Jewish groups (and those pandering to same) who cry “Anti-Semitism! Anti-Semitism!” and get all worked up by this film, I have a question for you. Do you really think Christians will run out of the theatre chasing Jews around and hitting them on the head with salamis? Perhaps you think Arabs will buy all the movie theatres and not allow Jews in anymore? Perhaps you are overreacting, meschugas; sha shtil already, don’t get moyshe kapoyer. Chill out; have a schvitz.

This is a film that is shocking and mortifying; yet it retains a macabre beauty about it. Like a lot of small productions with big hopes, The Passion does exactly what it is supposed to do. There are not many films this gutsy. The real question is, will Hollyweird blackball Mel Gibson? The answer is, yes … until he agrees to give them some of the cash from the (no doubt already being written) sequel. The other question is, does Mel Gibson need Hollyweird? Much to Hollyweird’s chagrin, the answer to that is no.

The Passion has three of the five Bachelor B’s. Blood, Beasts and Bashes. No Bombs and no Breasts. And three more B’s. Blood, blood and more blood. Did I mention Blood? Oh yeah, lots of blood.

I give The Passion Of The Christ five Capitalist Dollar Signs (out of five).

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