Ice Cube (Calvin) – conscientious coiffeur.
Cedric The Entertainer (Eddy) – Bozo the black ... again.
Eve (Terri) – not a natural blonde, I figger.
Robert Wisdom (Alderman Brown) – if Jesse Jackson got elected ... to anything.
Sean Patrick Thomas (Jimmy) – learns not to work for a Democrat.
Leonard Earl Howze (Dinka) – and you thought you had a hairy back?
Troy Garity (Isaac) – token whitey, wannabe homey; must be Jane Fonda’s kid.
Did you ever hear a joke that caught you by surprise and you laughed out loud … until someone told the same joke a second time and then it didn’t seem so funny anymore? Such is the case with Barbershop 2; Back In Bidness. But most limp-wristed feelm cri-teeks will be afraid to lambaste this lame flick, because it has virtually an all-black cast, complete with blubbery big-bootied black babes. However, what the cast looks like is not the problem here. The problem is every element that made Barbershop 1 such a great film is missing here; the characters have lost their edginess, the jokes are forced and the new characters are way too cartoony. The makers of Barbershop 2 knew this flick was going nowhere, but wanted to cash in on the success of the original before the pop-culture-minded public went on to something else. So they turned it into nothing more than a 98-minute promo for an upcoming Queen Latifah project, which itself looks to be a retreaded loser. Barbershop 2 is definitely a bad hair day.
Here is the plot of Barbershop 2 in a quick-clip: Calvin’s Barber Shop may go out of bidness (again?!), because Evil Corporate America is moving in across the street. Homeboy antics ensue.
The PC in Barbershop 2 flies out like hair from runaway clippers. Prominently displayed on the wall of Calvin’s shop is a photo of Harold Washington. Washington was elected mayor of Chicago in 1983 and died suddenly while in office in 1987. He was elected in a 3-way primary race, getting less than 50% of the vote, then went on to defeat a little known Republican (Bernard Epton) by 2%. Washington was a crook who had his law license suspended for taking client’s money and not performing services, spent time in prison for tax fraud and was late filing the city’s Mayoral financial statement – the penalty for which is removal from office, but a “friendly” judge looked the other way. He immediately set about enforcing racial hiring quotas in Chicago, claiming blacks should receive 30% of all city contracts just by the virtue of being black. Harold Washington knew very well how to play to the racist blacks in Chicago. Where else but in Chicago can a racist/con/thief get elected mayor?
Any black man deemed a “hero” by the black community must be seen by everyone as heroic without question. Only black folks are allowed to judge other black folks. If you do not agree with this and insist on judging people on their individual merits despite what they look like, you are a bigot-racist-homophobe-extremist. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so.
Mo' betta PC falls out like a bad hair weave when one of the characters laments that she may be forced to move when a development company takes over “Just because I don’t own it don’t mean it ain’t mine,” she says. This is the mindset of the socialist inner city of today: I deserve something simply because I exist.
Private land ownership is a bad thing. Only Benevolent Big Brother Guv’mint should have land ownership rights. The hoi polloi cannot be trusted to be property stewards. Every piece of Mother Earth belongs to all her children (especially the sacred liberal icons: self-proclaimed “minorities” and the “poor”), except evil conservative capitalists who seek to steal land from oppressed hapless minorities. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so.
In a flashback scene, we see a younger “Eddy” chased by the cops into the barbershop that he will eventually work for. The othah brothas hide him from the police, disguising him as a customer. Eddy thunders to the cops, “Can’t a black man have a Fourth of July, too?” This is another bogus belief PUSHed by the hate-whitey crowd: American holidays are Caucasian holidays unless specifically tailored toward blacks. Black folks need their own holidays to celebrate their own people; in fact they need a special month set aside just to honor black Americans. But Evil Whitey merely tolerates it, and even dares to be critical of it.
Bad American Whitey’s! Bad bad bad!
Memo to Hollyweird and other liberals; especially those ruining – er … running – the Publik Skools: The reason common sense folks roll their eyes at “Black History Month” is not that blacks are historically insignificant; it is because BHM is, in fact demeaning to blacks. You just don’t get it, do you. Every month is black history month. Blacks are very much a part of the historical record of the USA and everyone already knows that. We, the huddling masses living in the “fly-over-zones” do not separate people by race the way you do. We do not divide our nationality with a hyphen just to placate the PC thought police. Americans are Americans and that is that.
Refresher: “Fly-Over-Zones”: the areas of the United States inbetween New York City, Washington DC and Hollyweird. Seldom visited or considered by the liberal enlightened elite. These vast expanses are populated by common mongrels; some of which drive pick-up trucks, own guns and wave Confederate Flags – just ask that paradigm of enlightenment: Howard Dean.
Mo’ hairy PC flakes out like psoriasis when Eddy makes reference to “ … those Florida funky-ass voting booths.” This is a myth you will hear more of as the November Presidential election nears – that Al Gore the 2x4 (who somehow became a hero to blacks; go figger) had the 2000 election stolen from him. Remember hanging chads, swinging chads and dimpled chads? Well, I was living in Florida at the time and here are some facts: those punch-card voting booths were the same exact voting booths used in Illinois. When Al Gore the 2x4 won Illinois, did you see Republicans contesting the Illinois vote count? No, and they very well could have. There was massive vote fraud in the 2000 election; all of it in Gore territory – the inner cities, where vote count reached over 100% in many precincts. How can you get more than 100% vote count? Fraud; vote tampering; duplicate voting; in other words – cheat and deceit. But this is a story rarely referred to in the pop-culture “news” media. There were multiple vote recounts in Florida and every time Bush came up the winner. And Democrats tried to nix the military servicemen’s ballots from being counted. Gee … I wonder why?
Al Gore the 2x4 is rightfully the President, because he beat Dubya, so there. Florida Republicans cheated Al out of the Oval office. Never mind what the real vote totals are. Dubya is stupid. Al Gore the 2x4 invented the Internet, started Love Canal and he and Tipper were the inspiration for the movie Love Story. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so.
There is one really great scene in Barbershop 2. Eddy has a flashback to the day Martin Luther King was murdered. That night, there were riots in Chicago. I remember; I was born and raised in Chicago. The riots consisted mostly of blacks burning and looting businesses in their own neighborhoods – something I’ll never figure out. A wild-eyed rioter runs up to the barbershop and starts to throw a brick through the window. Eddy stands directly in front of him and yells, “NO!” The crook moves to the other window. Eddy moves over to that one, too, and again yells, “NO!” So the lawless loser gives it up, runs across the street and busts a window over there. Eddy turns to the amazed owner of the barbershop and says, “What are we doing? We should not be (rioting); we should be honoring the man’s memory.” This is not only a very moving scene; it’s the only good scene in this film.
Barbershop 2 has all kids of problems. Not the least of which is at the end of the film, Calvin makes a bigass speech in front of a City Council meeting, telling us why he is not selling out to The Evil Capitalists. This speech is so trite it makes Michael Moore’s inaccurate ramblings in Bowling For Columbine look like Martin Luther King by comparison. Then there are the flashbacks of Eddy and a former love; these scenes are not only superfluous, they simply don’t work. Also at issue is Cedric’s make-up. In an attempt to age him, the make-up masters only achieved in making him look like a chunky black Bride of Frankenstein with magic marker smeared on his forehead and white shoe polish striped in his hair. And who is the con artist who convinced Queen Latifah she is a babe? Not once have I ever had a black man (or any other man for that matter) tell me he prefers big-butted, loud-mouthed, bombastic broads as his women of choice. Sorry, folks, but being fat, fowl and rude is not culture. Neither is wearing you hat backwards, baggy pants with your backside poking out, walking like an inebriated chicken, shoes untied and a shirt so big it looks like you’re wearing a tablecloth.
But you do has to gives props to the homeboys who be representin’; and that would be Cedric the Entertainer (who truly is) and Ice Cube (who truly is not cold at all). These two are naturals (pun intended).
SIDE NOTE: Troy Garity is the son of Jane Fonda and Tom Hayden. These two hard-core leftists claim they gave Troy a different last name so as to “… not saddle him with either well-known surname, thus allowing him to develop his own identity…” Oh puh-leeze … Do you really think this mope would be in this flick if he was not a Fonda-Hayden? Well … you didn’t expect Hanoi Jane and Politburo Chief Tommy to tell you the truth, anyway, did you?
Barbershop 2 has only two of the 5 Bachelor B’s: Bashes and Bombs. No Blood, no Beasts and no Breasts. Good thing, because if Queen Latifah had pulled a Janet Jackson boobapalooza maneuver, I’d have hurled my popcorn.
Cut right by this one, bruthah, and go rent the original Barber Shop instead.
I give Barbershop 2 one and a half Capitalist Dollar Signs (out of 5).