Cast:

Ashton Kutcher (Evan) – effusive butterfly.

Amy Smart (Kayleigh) – elusive butterfly.

Eric Stoltz (George) – abusive butterfly.

Nathaniel Deveaux (Dr. Redfield) – conducive butterfly.

William Lee Scott (Tommy) – moth.

Someone in Tinsel Town likes Ashton Kutcher; or better phrased, someone in Hollyweird thinks they can make money on Ashton Kutcher – someday in the future perhaps; certainly not with this film. This is why Kutcher was cast in Butterfly Effect; a vehicle film if ever there was one. In this flick we get see Kutcher the ahk-tor emooooting all over the screen. We see Kutcher as a low-rent college student; Kutcher as a preppie; Kutcher as a paraplegic; Kutcher as a jailbird; Kutcher as a Kutcher; now ain’t this kid talented, or what, huh? Geez, ya talk about multi-tasking. And throughout all the mutations, the boy never once changes his dopey hairstyle. Butterfly Effect could easily be retitled, “Dude, Where’s My Timeline?” or “Quantum Leap For The Terminally Stoned.” But this is not the movie we the people want to see Ashton Kutcher make; we want him to make this film: “How I Bagged That Old Bag Demi Moore.” Now that’s a ticket seller.

For the uninitiated in the wily ways of Hollyweird, a vehicle film is a flick created for the sole purpose of showcasing one particular ahk-tor. You see, Hollyweird knows that Kutcher is popular with young gals (and one older gal – hello, Demi), but he’s stuck in that little confining box we call television. Hollyweird doesn’t seem to understand (do they ever?) that we like this kid that way. He is the heir apparent to Keanu Reeves, in all his “Whoa … dude-ness.” And like Keanu, it’s not believable when he steps out of the “duuude” box.

Be that as it may, Kutcher is not the problem with Butterfly Effect. The incongruous story itself is. This thing has more airholes than an aviary.

For the publik skool stoodents, I will explain “the butterfly effect,” also known as “the chaos theory;” directly related to the “cause and effect” theory. The chaos theory simply states that it is possible to get completely random results from normal equations. Better stated in the cause and effect theory: any change, no matter how small (as in the miniscule atmospheric disturbance created by flapping butterfly wings) will have a domino effect. This is why time travel is not possible. If you were to go back in time and kill Adolph Hitler as a boy, one of the people that would have died in WWII, but now does not, may run down your grandfather with a car, thereby negating you. Get it? No? Read it again. Now write it on the blackboard 1000 times until you do get it.

The other problem with time travel is distance and movement, i.e.; the Earth is not static. Our fun little planet zips around the Sun at about 19 miles per second, and that does not include the movement of the rest of the universe as a whole. So if you were to stand in your bedroom and go back in time one day to the same spot, the Earth would be many miles away and you would be standing in the middle of outer space; and for approximately one second you’d think, “Well what the …” and then you’d explode. Because as the people at Hoover can tell you, the universe is mostly one bigass vacuum.

The PC flies out of Butterfly Effect like a flutter of Monarchs. We see many scenes of average suburban Americana. By “average” I mean mostly white, middle class, working folks. Naturally, to Hollyweird this is not a good thing; for underneath the veneer of average Caucasian suburbia there is a den of cruelty, debauchery and general nastiness.

White suburbia is a bad place filled with crazy people; where evil lurks and uncaring Caucasians flippantly fling hideous abuse upon their neighbors. Wherever Whiteys congregate, miserable things happen. This could explain bloody hockey fights. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so.

More PC swarms out of Butterfly Effect with the whole liberal ideal that people are essentially weak, immoral and cannot deal with personal catastrophes, much less solve their own problems. Nobody in this film seems to be able to deal with anything. The slightest change sends these knuckleheads into an uncorrectable free-fall. You’d swear they’re all related to Howard Dean.

Humans are fragile, feeble creatures who cannot survive without the benevolent umbrella of Big Brother Guv’mint. Humans have no adaptability and therefore need Big Brother Guv’mint to even out the playing field; otherwise evil Caucasians will wreak havoc upon Mother Nature, not to mention enslaving luckless sacred indigenous peoples. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so.

Mo’ betta PC flutters by like a lost Eurytides Marcellus (look it up, kids) when Kutcher goes to prison after affecting one of his time-traveling changes. Naturally, the prison is packed with nefarious characters (though we know most of them must be innocent victims of The Man), and naturally the nastiest of the prison population is the White Supremacist gang. This gang of blonde-haired, blue-eyed baddies (which look suspiciously similar to the frat boys in another scene – no mistaking the message there) demands sexual favors from Kutcher in trade for protection. And we all know that’s the problem with prisons today – too many evil whiteys that look like rich frat boys.

Bad Aryan cons! Bad bad bad!

Imagine the yowling from the left if the Nazi-Cons were replaced with black Muslims. Nah … black Muslims are not a problem in our prisons; just axe Mike Tyson.

Not to mention the only “civil” inmate is a Hispanic con named “Carlos,” who helps Kutcher out when he needs it the most. Replace the only civil inmate with a blonde-haired, blue-eyed frat boy and you’d never get the film made, plus you’d get an earache from the incessant liberal squalling. And it wouldn’t be a Hollyweird film without a little Christian-bashing. Carlos is religious and is quick to believe that Kutcher has stigmata, rather than ask for another explanation. Well, y’all know how dang stupid them Christians is, don’tcha? Them ree-lijuss folks’ll believe anything, hyuck hyuck hyuck. Replace the Christian con with any other religion and once again the squealing from the liberals would be deafening.

Christians are stupid people who follow archaic, bigoted doctrines. Anyone who does not believe that there is no higher power than Government needs to be enlightened by The State Authorities in Publik (Government) Skools. Christianity is a religion for losers. I know this, because Hollyweird (and Ted Turner) tells me so.

Butterfly Effect also puts into play the sacred minority rule; which states that if a film has only one of a particular so-called, self-proclaimed “minority” person in a film; that person will be endowed with angelic qualities. Such is the case with Kutcher’s shrink, Dr. Reallysmartblackguy. He’s the only bruthah in the film, so naturally he’s top shelf. In fact, Kutcher’s boyhood friends included a dysfunctional family complete with messed up ho’ daughter, pervert Daddy and sadistic son. Imagine the caterwauling from the socialist elitites if that family was represented by blacks, Hispanics or – oh-gawd-no-don’t-say-it – Jewish folks. Lookout now! You don’t want to be accused of being racist-bigot-sexist-homophobe-rightwing-communist-lefwing-fascist-anti-semitic-anti-Christian-anti-environmental-xenophoe-anti-gonvernmental-fill-in-the-blank-extremist, now do you?

Now, I don’t mind suspending belief, especially in the case of psycho-sci-fi flicks, but the implausibilities in Butterfly Effect are more numerous than a clutch of Battus Philenor eggs (look that one up, too, kids). First off, there is the issue of the cause and effect theory, which is already in question; but one thing that is never affected is Kutcher’s demeanor, attitude and memory. Somehow, he is able – with one small variance – to change everything and everyone around him, yet he remains the same and retains all memories pertaining to a timeline that has now been effectively erased. See? I told ya time travel would get ya into logic trouble. Then there is the issue of people reacting far differently than you or I ever would. One 10-year-old boy sees a neighbor killed in a prank gone haywire. This sends him to the funny farm for the rest of his life. Kutcher defends himself after a baddie attacks him with a baseball bat; the baddie dies and Kutcher is sent off to hard core prison – this completely denies the legal right of self defense, the fact that Kutcher has no prior criminal record and the fact that the attacker was a certified nutcase. In one scene, Kutcher goes back in time and mutilates his hands and ends up with nothing more than a bloody scar, which likely would’ve faded over time, anyway. In another scene, his slight affectation in the timeline has somehow caused his mother to take up cigarette smoking. This, of course, gives her automatic lung cancer. I guess she should’ve taken up smoking pot like the rest of Kutcher’s fans. There are more, but why bother.

Things I did not need to see in Butterfly Effect: kiddie porn; a fat boy with nose rings and spiky hair having sex with a skank ho’; a blowed-up mother and a blowed up baby; queer convicts and a barbecued dog – heck if I wanna see that, there’s a Chinese buffet down the street.

Butterfly Effect has four of the five Bachelor B’s. Blood, Bashes, Bombs and Breasts. No Beasts – unless you include Kutcher’s college roommate; he does fit into the genus artiodactyla hippopotamidae rather easily. Yeah, you can look that one up, too, kids – it’ll give you something to do other than ponder this flop of a flick.

I guess you could say the chaos theory is true after all; Kutcher flaps his little wings at Demi Moore’s Idaho ranch and bad things did happen: this movie for example.

I give Butterfly Effect two Capitalist Dollar Signs (out of 5).