Elijah Wood (Frodo) weepy Hobbit.
Sean Astin (Samwise) weepier obbiHoHobbit.
Andy Serkis (voice of Gollum) wacky Hobbit.
Ian McKellan (Gandalf) big white Ian and his big white stick.
Orlando Bloom (Legolas) um was he in this one?
John Rhys-Davies (Gimli) dwarf with a tude.
Viggo Mortensen (Aragorn) King want smoochy-lips hottie.
Liv Tyler (Arwen) smoochy-lips hottie want King.
Hugo Weaving (Elrond) hey look its the Matrix guy again.
Want to make a room full of role-playing wannabes really really angry? During one of LOTR3s many ponderous ahk-tors emooooting scenes, stand up in the theatre and shout, Heyyyy where the hell is Harry Potter? Then sit back down and giggle as lonely geeks throw Pita Pockets and Twizzlers at you. Later during a barbaric war scene, stand up again and yell, Middle Earth phooey, this looks like the Middle East! To further annoy the Hobbit worshippers, every time anyone says the word Frodo, whip out a flask and chugalug. And why not? Nothing you can do can ruin LOTR3, which just may be the biggest, baddest and boldest cinematic sensation ever put on the silver screen. And the best part is that the star attraction is a CGI character so realistic that ahk-tors everywhere are wondering, Am I obsolete? Almost, my Hollyweird friend, almost just be patient preciousssss
Tolkien Factoid: Tolkien submitted The Lord Of The Rings to his publisher in 1950 it was rejected.
Make sure to bring plenty of lembas bread, because LOTR3 hefts in at a burly 3 hours, 21 minutes; not including the 15 minutes of commercials and coming attractions for mere mortal movies. This is the one problem with LOTR3; it has at least an hours worth of lachrymose talking head-stuff that could easily be cut, and still the flick would be over two hours long. If you have kids under 7, they likely will not sit still for this film; youll have to wait until it comes out on DVD with extra scenes added in if you can believe that. I hear it comes with a wheeled carrying case.
The PC falls out of LOTR3 like dead leaves off an Ent. At first, I could not figure out why the NAACP and Operation PUSJJIB (People United to Save Jesse Jacksons Illegitimate Babies) have not protested the lack of black folks in the series (as they did to Lucas Star Wars). In fact Middle Earth has nary a bruthah; everyone who is not a monster is an Aryan. Then it dawned on me all these wacky Whiteys are at war with each other.
There would be no war if the world were run by the sacred peoples of Mother Earth, the non-Caucasians. White folks are always starting wars, occupying the lands of hapless minorities and generally oppressing non-whites with the evils of conquest and capitalism. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so.
Tolkien Factoid: Tolkien was born in 1892 in Bloemfontein, which is part of evil apartheid South Africa.
More PC leaps out like an arrow from an Elvan bow with the whole emoooting aspect, which goes overboard at regular intervals. The Hobbits whimper, the Elves cry, the Kings lament, the soldiers get teary-eyed; in fact this is the weepiest bunch of heroes Ive ever seen. If they had spent as much time taking care of bidness as they did whining, the movie would only be an hour long. Perhaps theyre all liberal Democrats. Nah; they stood up and fought against a terrorist threat that means they cannot be liberals.
Crying and whining is a good thing. Weeping is a sign of strength. All men should attend Government-mandated ritual drumming courses to get in touch with their inner feelings. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so.
Pardon me, but I dont remember General Patton sitting around wailing and sniveling.
Tolkien Factoid: Tolkiens Father died when he was 4 and his Mother died when he was 12. He grew up in an English boarding house. He met his wife Edith there.
In one scene, we see a wacky King sitting on his throne, staring balefully into an empty room (there seems to be an abundance of this in Middle Earth). Later, this same cuckoo King tries to burn his son alive rather than abdicate his throne, which he only inherited through a fluke in the first place. This fool would sacrifice his family and the entire kingdom just to save his own misguided legacy (can you say Bill Clinton?). This is how Hollyweird views leaders they dont like; such as Bush, Blair Jefferson and Washington for that matter. Naturally, all the failed Kings in LOTR3 are of the human variety; the elves, trolls and other non-human Middle Earthers fare much better and are much smarter than the silly humans. At one point, one of the man-Kings wonders aloud why he should get involved at all hey Howard Dean, ya looking for a running mate? Heres one for ya.
Bad stupid Caucasians! Bad bad bad!
Probably the most PC element in the film is the never-ending Hollyweird notion of skinny girls who kick ass. In this instance, a 120 pound woman takes on an unkillable specter of whom it is said, no man can kill him Sure; no man, maybe; but what about a skinny girl who kicks ass? After surviving several blows that would knock down a brick building, our heroine simply waltzes up to the unkillable specter and stabs him in the kisser. The unkillable specter then pulls a melting act that is an obvious nod to the Wizard Of Oz Im melting! Im melting! Oh what a world! Ahhhgghh! Now Im not sure, but I think this scene was stolen from a Powerpuff Girls cartoon.
Women are as fierce in battle as men are. There is no physical difference between men and women, and those who insist there are need government sensitivity training. Women soldiers are a necessity; and if women cannot pass the same physical tests that men can, then the tests must change. I know this, because Hollyweird tells me so.
Tolkien Factoid: Tolkien contracted Trench Fever while serving in the WWI British Army. It was in that Army hospital where he worked out his Elf histories.
Usually here I write a paragraph of implausibilities, but this is the work of John Ronald Reuel Tolkien; the whole dang thing is implausibility and thats the fun of it. We get to see massive battles between sideshow freaks. We get to see orks orking; trolls trolling and dwarfs dwarfing. We get to see so many immense battle scenes its hard to keep them straight. We get to see creepy Smeagol transform into creepy Gollum. We get to see the most radical giant spider since 8-Legged Freaks. We get to see that the lead ork is Porky Pig after Michael Jacksons plastic surgeon has at him. We get to see the demise of Gaurons giant Vagina Flambé. We get to see totally gay gazes between Sam and Frodo (chugalug!). We get to see the Matrix Guy with Gregg Allman hair. And then theres Arwen, who is in these films because um why is she here again oh yeah; to show us her smoochy-lips.
Tolkien Factoid: It took Tolkien 14 years to write The Lord Of The Rings. He read drafts of it to C.S. Lewis.
Lingering questions (that I really didnt know whom to ask): Why does Frodo (chugalug!) have to leave his friends at the end? Why do all the characters constantly announce their obvious intentions (example: We are off to war!)? If the bad guy is so bad, why is it so easy to kill him? Why are the orks, who are always looking for a fight, such inept fighters? Where the heck is Christopher Lee (he is dismissed with a simplistic, He has lost his power )? Why werent the giant elephants legs protected with armor? Why didnt Frodo (chugalug!) use a flying beast to get to Mount Doom? And once and for all, why didnt Gandalf use his #@*&%^#! Wizard powers to prevent all this in the first place?
LOTR3 has four of the 5 Bachelor Bs: Blood, Beasts, Bashes and Bombs. No Breasts. Im not sure I want to see Hobbit hooters anyway.
Bottom line, this is one bigass film that delivers bigass entertainment value. They said theyd do so, and they did. After all, would a lil Hobbit lie?
One last way to infuriate the nerdly would-be Hobbit class: when the eagles rescue Sam and Frodo, stand up and exclaim, Weehaww! Thems AMERICAN eagles savin yer Hobbit butts, bubba! Then burst into God Bless America. Its a bee-yootiful thing.
Tolkien Factoid: Tolkien died 9/2/1973 at the age of 81, two years after his wife, Edith died.
I give Lord Of The Rings; Return Of The King five Capitalist Dollar Signs (out of 5)