I love entertainment awards shows. It's probably a "girl thing", but I freely admit I enjoy hearing the Hollywood gossip, and that I really like seeing the clothes and the jewels. It's also a lot of fun for me to see the real person behind some of my favorite characters.

Of course, I'm well aware that these awards shows are doing nothing more or less than rewarding people for their ability to make us believe something that isn't true. The actors do their utmost to get us to care about people that don't exist. The writers work to make up stories that are believable but completely untrue. Editors and special effects technicians take the false and mundane and make it look true and spectacular. Directors and producers work to choreograph and ensure the scenes come together and the show goes on as planned.

Though we call it entertainment, another less flattering but more honest appraisal might call it "orchestrated lying". It's the latter description that made me realize that, if awards are given for acting and producing, there's another industry that surpasses even Hollywood for the large scale production of falsehood and that is the grinding machine called politics.

Hollywood has its Emmy, Golden Globe, and Academy Awards. But there's nothing comparable to acknowledge the performance of a politician, political appointee, or other government functionary. That's why, as the entertainment awards season begins, I decided to create one just for the world of politics. I call my award, represented by a little pewter cowboy boot crushing a tiny glass Statue of Liberty, the "Dupe-Ya" Award.

Actors and directors love to get awards they believe - and rightfully so in many cases - means they've accomplished something truly special. In the instance of the Dupe-Ya Award winner, however, the award means they've accomplished something truly shameful. With that being the criteria, there's no need to point out that there was no shortage of nominees for Dupe-Ya Awards this year. And so, without further ado, my picks for this year's "winners" are:

While we're all well aware of the performance going on in front of us (though we're not always aware that it is often just a performance), none of what we see would be possible without the unceasing effort of those behind the scenes.

Editors are responsible for snipping bits and pieces of actual footage and making it into their own vision of what it is they want the rest of us to see. Although directed by directors, an accomplished editor can make or break the final product. This year's winner of the Editing Dupe-Ya is: The entire US intelligence community, who first acknowledged that they failed to see 9/11 coming, but that they were never-the-less positive that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction that he was about to use against us.

Special effects technicians are masters of the technology that makes the unbelievable and the impossible become almost commonplace. One common effect is to cause people or objects to appear or disappear. When the effect is well done, no one knows where the object or person has gone or when to expect it to come back. The 2003 Dupe-Ya Awards present Vice President Dick Cheney with the recognition he deserves for his consistent invisibility and his regular disappearances to "undisclosed locations".

Writers write things that may or may not be true, but that always sound good. Frequently, what sounds the best is what we most want to hear. This year's winner of the Writing Dupe-Ya, most exemplifying the gift of telling us what we want to hear while exhibiting the exceptional ability to say very little is: Secretary of State Colin Powell. Retired General Powell always has something calm and well spoken to say when reporters question policy or current events. It's not until after you try to analyze what was said that you realize he said absolutely nothing.

Choreographers are responsible to pre-plan the steps that others will take. Patterns are often intricate, but they're intended to create a complete impression when viewed from a distance. Choreographers are, by definition, experts at dance themselves. This year's winner of the Choreography Dupe-Ya was therefore a shoe-in: Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld. The Secretary not only worked to coordinate the troop movements in Afghanistan and Iraq, but showed an admirable ability to tap dance around questions from the press himself.

No awards show can be truly complete without an interruption in the middle for the presentation of a special award or two. One of those special awards is the Lifetime Achievement Award. Such an award is typically given to someone at or near the end of his career. This year's Dupe-Ya Award had several potential recipients who were worthy, and even after tallying the votes the race was too close to call. That's why the Dupe-Ya Lifetime Achievement Award will be presented in a tie to two deserving politicians: John McCain and Al Gore.

On a lighter note, comedy is typically honored in a category separate from more dramatic fare. And of course, everybody appreciates a good laugh, even when they're only laughing to keep from crying. The 2003 Dupe-Ya Award for Best Variety or Comedy Series is the ongoing California gubernatorial race. Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy is the leading Republican contender in the California recall race, Arnold Schwarzenegger (who can, by the way, pronounce "California", though he has a tough time with speaking on any specifics as to his plans to govern the most populous state in the union). And Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy is Ohio Representative Marcy Kaptur for her infamous remark comparing Osama bin Laden to America's Founding Fathers.

Dramas often get the most attention from awards shows, and the Dupe-Ya Awards certainly wishes to single out several worthy performances. In the capacity of Best Supporting Actor in a Drama, the Dupe-Ya goes to former White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer. No matter what he was asked, Fleischer never wavered from his support for whatever it was he'd just been told to say. The Best Supporting Actress in a Drama Award, for much the same reason, goes to National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice. Obviously, the Best Actor and Actress Award are engraved with the names of President George "Dubya" Bush and his wife, First Lady Laura Bush. The President was singled out for his dramatic turnaround between his campaign promises and his actual job performance; Mrs. Bush receives her award for somehow managing to be calm, cool, and classy no matter what her husband is saying and doing.

Although the actors are crucial, another indispensable part of any show is the role played by the director. It is the director who tells the camera operators where to focus and the actors how to play a given scene. It is the director who oversees the editors, and who works with the writers to get the effect he wants. In short, the director pulls most of the strings for a show. That being the case, could the Dupe-Ya Award for Direction go to anyone other than Attorney General John Ashcroft?

Finally, producers are also an important part of the success of any production. Producers keep attention on the project and make sure that sufficient motivation is there for progress to continue. They schmooze with the public and release dribbles and drabs of information intended to whet interest among investors and supporters of all kinds. They may work with a director or in opposition to him, but the end result is the same: the production gets produced. The Dupe-Ya Award for Production goes to the most deserving of candidates: the mainstream media.

We can't end our awards ceremony without paying tribute to deaths that have occurred in the recent past. The awards show memorial segment recalls those who gave us something of importance but who are no longer with us. This year, the Dupe-Ya Awards pause briefly to recall the recently deceased, both of whom were killed in the War on Terrorism: the Fourth and Fifth Amendments. Next year's candidates for this sad award are already lining up, though it's possible other grievously injured rights may yet recover.

Yes, awards shows can be great entertainment. So I wonder why I'm not enjoying the Dupe-Ya Awards as much as I usually enjoy, say, the Academy Awards. Maybe it's because Donald Rumsfeld doesn't wear Armani suits, or Laura Bush doesn't borrow diamonds from Van Cleef and Arpels. On the other hand, maybe it's because Hollywood awards ceremonies, for all their pomp and circumstance, know that they're not a life and death matter for anybody. The winners get recognition, but the losers lose nothing but the trophy. The Dupe-Ya Awards, however, see the winners largely ignoring the recognition they've been receiving, and the losers - the rest of us - facing one of the gravest threats to liberty America has ever known. That isn't entertaining at all.

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